C Says: P, have you noticed that everyone seems to be obsessed with relationships this summer?
P Says: Yeah, I don't think The Dartmouth has had an issue yet without some article about love, or lack of it. Why do you think that is, C?
C Says: I don't know, but even Bear Bones seems ready to settle down. Damn, everyone is becoming affected. It's scary.
P Says: But isn't it weird, C, how so many people are looking for someone, and no one is finding anyone?
C Says: I know. Maybe it's because according to Justin Carrino in his column ["Love, Dartmouth Style," July 1], guys only think about sex, beer, sports and sex. Women need more than that.
P Says: Or maybe it's because guys just don't think.
C Says: P, be careful, that's not very PC.
P Says: Nice pun, C.
C Says: No pun intended, P.
P Says: But anyway, back to our topic. Maybe relationships don't work because there's a lack of communication between the sexes. Men and women just think differently. C, let me illustrate this phenomenon for you. I'll be the guy. Pretend we're at a party. Start a conversation with me.
C Says: Ok. Hey, aren't you in my econ class?
P Says: Good job, C. Your question has the potential to fully demonstrate my theory on the miscommunication between the sexes. You intended for this question to be an ice-breaker that would create an outlet for the two of you to engage in a more meaningful conversation. Obviously you know he's in your class or you wouldn't have asked. But now let me answer your question as a guy. First I'll think, "Damn, did I hand in that problem set?" Then I think, "If I didn't, I wonder if she could help me do it?" And then I'll finally say, "Did you hand in that problem set?"
C Says: You're so right, P. It's all about short-term and long-term thinking. I asked you that question with the obvious intent of trying to establish the groundwork for a long-term relationship where I could learn about your hopes and dreams, goals and aspirations so that maybe one day we could exchange vows and share those dreams. But somehow you took my long-term vision, shattered it and didn't even realize that you obliterated ANY chance we had for a fruitful life together. You thought we could just hook up tonight and forget about it tomorrow because of your stupid, short-term male memory and that's why you gave me that stupid answer about the problem set even though I couldn't care less about our stupid econ class!
P Says: C, put down that breadstick. You're scaring me ... remember, this is just pretend. It's just me, P, but you're right. I'm glad at least we're on the same wavelength. Just the other day, I was at dinner with a guy who I thought had potential. After perusing the menu at Sweet Tomatoes neither of us could decide what we wanted to order, so I suggested that we get two dishes and share.
C Says: Of course you did, P. You were obviously not asking him if he wanted to share food. This offer had much deeper intentions than merely stating that you each have some pasta and some chicken. Clearly you were asking him if he maybe wanted to share lunch tomorrow, and then maybe a movie this weekend, and an apartment a few years later and then eventually a dog when things got really serious.
P Says: Tell me about it, C. But I knew it was over when he said he only wanted chicken and didn't want me to be a true part of his eating experience.
C Says: So I think we've pinpointed the problem. Women are scuba diving at the bottom of the ocean for the perfect oyster which envelops the perfect pearl of happiness, whereas men are merely fishing for one of many trout for dinner that night.
P Says: C, that was really profound. Do you think we could have discovered in our own little column a new psychological theory which can explain all gender conflicts since the beginning of time?
C Says: No.
P Says: Me neither.
