Theme music.Voice-overdisclaimer: Names have been changed to protect the innocent. The situations and people portrayed in them are real. (Flashy credits. Theme music ends.)
Our host Danny Pintaro's voice says: A decade ago, police officers on horseback were a familiar sight on the beaches of sunny Fort Lauderdale, Florida. (Image of overweight cop on a thoroughbred riding past saggy blondes, like sausages, lying on the sand). Nobody knew why they were there. Nobody knew what it was they were up to. But for a few wild weeks in March during the 1980s, these cops had a mission. (Talking Heads song blares. Two horse cops dismount and swipe brewskies from Spring Breakers.) However, the maintenance of mounted police on the beach proved expensive. (Close-up of woman's feet in Gucci heels stepping squarely in a big horse muffin).
Today, beach cops in Fort Lauderdale no longer have to worry about Spring Breakers marring the vacations of Speedo-clad Dutch, German and French-Canadian tourists; they're too busy outracing in-line skaters on their bicycles. As the newest addition to the bull fleet, bicycle cops seem more a novelty than a necessity. (And besides, what would all of the unemployed Fort Lauderdale lifeguards be doing with their time otherwise)?
You might wonder why I've chosen to gripe about bicycle cops. In case you haven't been down Main Street yet this term, I might as well tell you that the Hanover police force has added a bicycle division for the summer. I feel most qualified to give my spiel about them, seeing that my hometown of Fort Lauderdale has had a bike force for a number of years now. Allow me to compare.
Fort Lauderdale's police force needed a specific means of patrolling the public beach, which is well over a mile in length. Obviously, police cars can't be taken up on the sand; hence, they had the old mounted patrol. But a few years ago, the city put in a boardwalk along the beach, making it possible for bikers, walkers and in-line skaters alike to enjoy an ocean view. A bike patrol seemed a natural answer to the problem of safeguarding the boardwalk, which had attracted a whole new social scene to the beach. Novelty? Yes. But for the cited reasons I can pretty much justify this switch on the beach.
Take the town of Hanover, N.H. This hilly little town grows icy and receives foot upon foot of snowfall each winter. Therefore, the bike patrol gets installed only during the warmer months. (Someone please write a letter to the editor disproving this). Apparently, the bicycle force does little else than tell me to get off the sidewalks on my own bicycle.
"Are you under the age of twelve?" one hollers. I answer him politely, and dismount. Then he'll go off riding down that same sidewalk, a blue blur, in search of other lawbreakers and hardened criminals like myself to correct.
Fort Lauderdale has a Mediterranean climate and lies completely at sea level. Bikes won't cut it in a Hanover winter, and even the most athletic bikers will lose speed going uphill. A bicycle force also depends heavily on physical condition; an officer with a cold can still function in a patrol car, but I'm not so sure that our favorite neighborhood bike cop could make it up that hill when congested.
I'm sorry, Hanover Po'. I don't see an effective reason for a bike force, other than trend and novelty, in our town. Yes, it might be small enough to be covered by a few bike cops. Yes, bicycles are more earth-friendly and cost far less than automobiles. But if I had truly committed some crime, I'd be more likely to stop if I were chased by 2,000 pounds of steel than if I heard a bicycle horn behind me.
