The latest polls have Bob Dole down by 18 points. So now he's decided to spend nearly all his time, resources, and money campaigning in California. He thinks California is still up for grabs, but as everybody else will tell you, Dole has conceded the election to Clinton.
Instead of stumping in states such as Pennsylvania, New Jersey, and Ohio, where Republicans have had success, Dole plans on performing perhaps the greatest upset in political history by trying to claim the Golden State.
In reality, the Republican National Committee understands that the battle to maintain a majority in Congress lies on the left coast, and if Dole pulled out of California, a gigantic Clinton win could pave the way for a Democratic House. The gloomy forecast for Republicans on election day has GOP leaders upset at Dole's campaign.
Said Wisconsin Republican governor Tommy G. Thompson on Imus in the Morning, "I thought George Bush's campaign was probably the poorest run presidential campaign -- and I think this is a close second."
Thompson continued, "They should have got the Republican governors to run this campaign -- and not run it from Washington."
Despite the fact that Dole's biggest issue and campaign promise, a 15 percent across-the-board tax cut, came from a typical Republican strategy (especially New Jersey governor Christine Todd Whitman's in 1993), it's hard to argue that Dole's campaign couldn't have trumped Clinton who was all but dead a year ago.
So, I've decided to help out Dole with five strategies that could reverse the fortune of Bob Dole if put to use immediately. While some of my ideas might seems a little out of the ordinary, please realize, as Jack Kemp would say, "It's fourth down, we're on our own one yard-line with one second to go in the fourth quarter and down by eight points."
In simpler words, Dole needs a miracle.
First, Dole needs to make sure the Yankees win the World Series. Not only would that help him in New York, a Democratic haven, but since World War II, whenever the Yankees won the World Series during a presidential election year (1952, 1956), a Republican candidate has won. However, every time the Bronx Bombers have lost (1960, 1964, 1976), so has the GOP.
Sure, the strategy is easier said than done, but I figure that Dole can get his National Rifle Association friends and their automatic rifles to pick off some of the important Brave players. They just need to maim them in the arm or leg -- no casualties are necessary. Drastic times call for drastic measures.
Second, Dole should promise that every American of voting age will get a free carton of cigarettes if he is elected president. Since Dole contends that drinking milk can be worse for you than smoking cigarettes, then he should make sure everybody gets their daily puffs.
I can see the ads now, instead of Spike Lee with a milk mustache, it'll be Arnold Schwarzenegger with a nicotine stained smile.
Third, a new slogan: "Bob Dole. Leader in the White House."
Dole's dog, Leader, could surely do a better job as First Pet than the Clinton family cat, Socks. Dogs are loyal pets who will abide by their master. Cats, on the other hand, tend to be independent. The Republicans don't want another four years of a tough feline in the White House, and they don't want Socks either.
Fourth, Dole needs a night of special appearances on NBC on Thursday. Must See TV would see even better ratings, which would make more money for NBC's parent company GE, which would like to see Dole elected because of its contracts with the Department of Defense.
Dole can be Monica's new boyfriend on "Friends." (She did go out with a middle age Tom Selleck last season.) Or he could be a substitute doorman on "The Single Guy," Newman's father on "Seinfeld," a part-time reporter on "Suddenly Susan," or a hip new intern on "ER."
Fifth, Dole should buy a baseball team (maybe the Kansas City Royals) and let the city finance a new stadium. How will this help him get elected?
Well, George W. Bush (the former president's son), who is one of the owners of the Texas Rangers, was able to get the city of Arlington -- through tax payers' dollars -- to build a brand new ballpark; they also got a Republican governor (Bush) in 1994.
While each proposal might seem unlikely for a Dole win in November, only together can they put Dole over the top and into that white house on Pennsylvania Avenue.
The chances are slim that all five ideas will actually happen, but, even though I am a diehard Yankees fan, I am still reluctantly rooting for them to lose.
