The vultures are coming to Dartmouth.
That's corporate vultures, for those of you not currently in-the-know. But perhaps I'm being unfair, characterizing these fine American capitalists as vultures -- why, they're the very glue that holds our Rube Goldberg society together. They're the fabric of this frayed, moth-ridden nation, and it's high time they got the respect they deserve.
In fact, I was so galvanized by the corporate buzz in the Hanover air that I attended a delightful presentation by none other than Leo Burnett, the largest advertising firm in the universe. I sat in Silsby, notebook and pen in hand, ready to absorb every juicy morsel of corporate data. Plus I got to watch a lot of commercials, which reminded me of television, that most blessed of life's gifts.
"Hey there," the corporate commander boomed heartily from the stage, his warm demeanor belying his job as a professional liar. "I'm [insert corporate-type name here], and I'm very excited to be here at Dartmouth College and blah blah B.S. blah." (I may be paraphrasing a bit).
Then we watched a number of flashy ads filled with lots of color. The ads were interspersed with meaningless flashy statistics filled with lots of color. "An account executive spends 20 percent of the time Analyzing, 20 percent of the time Strategizing, 10 percent of the time of the time Selling, and 50 percent of the time Boot-Licking!" Or something to that effect.
I mean, hey -- it's advertising, kids. By the end of the presentation I was ready to sell my left eyeball to score a job.
Now that corporate recruiting registration has begun, we can all place want-ads for our souls in the Infernal Classifieds. The venerable Career Services Newsletter listed "consulting" and "I-banking" as the top two job choices of the Dartmouth grad. My sister happens to work at a consulting firm, laboring tirelessly in the philanthropic cause of helping rich people make more money. Yes, some are called to the Peace Corps, some are called to find tax loopholes for billionaires. The social and economic necessity of consulting is obvious: clearly if a person starts a business, he or she shouldn't be able to run that business alone. By way of analogy, what would a politician be without advisers? Well, probably an honest leader, but that's not the point. So what if consultants don't create anything tangible, and are merely superfluous cogs in the bloated, life-sucking machine that is the U.S. economy? They're still fine people!
And then there's that I-banking ... stocks and bonds and mutual pensions and what have you. I can't decide if "I-banking" sounds more like a physics variable or an interstate highway. Sure, it may not be the glory trip of Charlie Sheen in "Wall Street," but it's still glamorous work. How would the public ever get their precious stocks if not for the benevolent I-bankers? Actually, I probably shouldn't have written that; some overanxious Econ major will no doubt dash off an angry response assailing my ignorance about these incredibly important fiscal matters. Of course, considering that economists have proven to be about as prescient as coffee mugs, I don't feel too threatened just yet.
Wait a minute ... I didn't mean that. I'm not some socialist Marxist anarchist neo-hippie tree-hugging pinko swine. I love money. I love the stock market and the Gross Domestic Product. I love high-interest multinationals lending low-interest mortgage debts at the Prime Rate. I love the fourth-quarter report concerning the market research analysis systems management of the capital gains executive strategy in the high-yield T-bills consultant bond investment for bullish bearish long-term 18-34 year-olds.
I suppose there are good reasons to go the corporate route besides the obvious moral fulfillment. After all, the hours are long, the pay scale starts low, and obsequiousness is considered a refined virtue. But best of all is that warm glow you feel in your heart, knowing that you've helped massive corporations exploit Third World workers, lay off thousands of your fellow Americans, and generally plunder like Huns the natural resources of good old planet Earth.
Up with corporate recruiting, I say. It's probably got more job security than petulant, obnoxious column-writing.
By the way, Goldman Sachs is having a Meet N' Greet in the Hanover Inn at 9 o'clock tonight.
Hope to see you all there.
