Ivy League schools get a lot of hype. Sure, you get lots of education, lots of "culture," lots of delicious cafeteria food, and lots of bills. Where else can you go look at art in a museum, eat a Buffalo Chicken and then go watch a movie replete with symbolism all in one day? Although it may seem that we have everything a college person could want, I'm here to argue that Dartmouth lacks one of the most essential things in the universe: Cable TV.
It seems pretty ridiculous upon first glance. How can such a prestigious university be lacking such an integral part of today's society? "Cable costs too much to install," they might say. Explain, then, how state schools, like Penn State, feed cable into every dorm room. They have 60,000 students whereas we have 4,000, so it can't cost that much. Plus, we have about 10 wires coming into our rooms already, so it's not like there's that much to change.
Maybe it goes beyond cost. Does the administration not want us to watch TV? Perhaps they envision a Dartmouth where people sit around playing the cello in their spare time? Do they imagine a Dartmouth where people look at art in the evenings? Hard core TV-watchers simply will not be denied. I know from experience.
I can't describe the disappointment I felt when I found out that I only got one channel (PBS doesn't count in my book!). To add to the insult, WNNE/Hanover stinks. A lot. I'm going to let you in on a little secret. You know that TV is bad when you're singing along to the commercial you've seen ten billion times. Sure the Danny Boy Collection may have its merits, but I'm personally sick of hearing it. What about Andy Griffith's greatest hits? You can sing along to twenty five of his favorite church songs that he's sung since he was a little boy! If you don't like singing, maybe you should go to GabriAnnahs children clothing store. The two annoying little girls are so cute that it must be great. After picking up some underoos, you can go to Big Bob's the flying pharmacist. These are but samples of the endless litany of junk that we receive nightly. You might think the programming would be better. You would be very wrong.
Sure NBC gives us "Friends" and "ER," but has anyone ever bothered to see what else is on? I've never watched Oprah before, but, presented with no other choices, you'd better believe I submitted. Oprah is pretty bad, but wait until you see Leeza, in all her glory, and her Lesbian Nazis from New Hampshire! Sunday nights, a time traditionally reserved for SportsCenter or NFL PrimeTime, is substituted with Sightings. Somehow the spirit of Oregon's mysterious train ghost doesn't compare with Brett Haber (Dartmouth alum, no less) exclaiming "Jumanji!" The worst is Saturday afternoons. There is no programming scheduled from noon till six, so we are treated to six hours of infomercials. While these have some merit, there's only so many times I can learn about the Ab Sculptor, Ab Flex and Power Rider. Sure it's funny when the audiences claim "I lost five hundred pounds after two weeks using the Ab Sculptor (an excellent value at $89.99!)," but there's a limit to this form of entertainment.
What will cable do for us? Have you ever wanted to watch the Simpsons only to find that because football ran long, "Space: Above and Beyond" (probably the worst show in the world, behind only Bob Villa's "Home Again" on WNNE on Sunday mornings!) pre-empted it? You have a choice: retreat and return later, which requires much effort; or sit around and practice the art of self-punishment by forcing yourself to endure a horrible show.
With in-room cable, time wasted watching garbage could be spent studying for tests and doing reading in the comfort of your room. Cable in our rooms is an argument in efficiency! Additionally, having CNN directly in our rooms could ensure that all Dartmouth students are global citizens who understand the world around them, and remove that nagging isolationist feeling we get here. The Discovery channel actually allows the viewer to discover things that they might not have known before. Those foreign language channels allow students to test their knowledge by trying to understand the plot in that zany French show "Les Bontemps." And who can forget ESPN? The all sports channel is a must in today's world, especially for sports fans who have trouble following their favorite teams because all we hear are excuses for the Patriots and how bad the Celtics are!
Cable in our rooms would make people happier to live in dorms, and, therefore, have a positive effect on school ranking. U.S. News and World Report would say, "Sure Princeton has those 'eating clubs' where people can eat non-Full Fare food, but who cares? At Dartmouth, not only can people be cultured and become well-rounded individuals who can contribute to society's amelioration, they can also watch cable in their very own rooms! Bob, let's make them fourth." The purchase of a couple hundred Ab Sculptors later and number one will be ours.
