Duringthe course of my fouryears at Dartmouth, many intellectually-challenging questions have tortured my psyche. Twisting and turning for numerous hours each night, I have been unable to adequately address some of my most innermost Socratic concerns. However, now, within a few weeks of graduation, I shall attempt to achieve a sense of academic closure by posing some of these seemingly unanswerable questions to you, the general Dartmouth public.
First, does Ludwig Plutonium really need a reflector while riding his bicycle during the day time? In my humble opinion, his blue fishing cap and army fatigues surely should ward off any oncoming Hanover traffic. Heck, if I were riding my bike with a reflector hanging around my neck while espousing a theory that stated that the world revolves around a plutonium atom, my blood alcohol content would surely be checked every hour on the hour by the Hanover Police.
Another question that has plagued my conscience for the past four years involves the NRO -- the Non-Recording Option. I have always wondered why the administration hasn't had the courage to refer to this grade-saving mechanism by its original name? You got it. The NRO -- Now Reading is Optional.
From what I've heard, even Nelson Rockefeller '30 understood that setting an NRO on a course meant that No Reading was Obligatory. By the way, this suggestion by no means takes away from the importance of such classes as Rocks for Jocks, Chem Fun, Heroes for Zeros, Breathing, and Cosby for Credit.As we can all attest, some people such as President Clinton surely could have benefited from a few inhalation lessons in Drama 34: Breathing.
Yet, despite the fact that these questions have rattled me on and off during my 12 terms at the Big Green, one question always seems to rise above the rest. And that question is: What is Green Key Weekend?
Unable to answer this question for the past four years, I recently launched a campus-wide interview campaign to satiate my Green Key curiosity.Here's a synopsis of what some of the people on this campus have told me when asked about this hallowed Dartmouth weekend. Some said that a tradition was established earlier this century when women from surrounding schools attended a Green Key Ball elaborately planned by undergraduate officers. Many equated Green Key with the euphonious tones of innovative music. But let's not forget those who referred to it as an alcohol-bingeing hook-fest.
Other assorted responses to my Green Key query included: "Another excuse to hit on a waitress at Harry's," "I've got to hear 'I Will Survive' at least one more time before I graduate," "Mung beer, a DJ and a bunch of people whose names I'll never remember for the rest of my life, what else can a person want in a weekend," "That's when they have Bones Gate Tea," "I love playing croquet in a bunny suit in a fraternity backyard," "Exxon Beef Bean Burritos and a case of Beast, two Green Key mainstays," and of course "I wanna hear that 'Let's go for a slow walk around Occom' line from at least one more guy."
Ironically, Green Key Weekend is about as well-defined for me now as it was during my freshman spring. From what I can recall, people listen to blaring music while bouncing on large contraptions on the Green during the day and listen to blaring music while bouncing on packed dance floors at night.
In actuality, very few things have changed since freshman spring when I was taking three introductory level courses and religiously playing Tetris on my black-and-white Macintosh Classic. Now, I'm taking two introductory-level courses (one NRO) and playing Tetris on my freshman neighbor's CD-ROM, 25,000 color option, alcohol-brewing Powerbook.
Well, I guess I have to admit that there is one distinct difference between the happy-go-lucky Green Key Weekends of the past three years and this weekend's festivities. That's because, as of now, I'm an unemployed psychology major who is entirely unsure of how he wants to dedicate the remainder of his life.
But to all those people who areworried about my future plans (i.e., Mom and Dad), I would like to confidently state that I have recently received a job offer that will ensure my financial security in the upcoming year. You see, next year, I will be volunteering full-time in a downtown New York City Hospital. Nope Mom and Dad, I still do not have pre-med aspirations, but in order to afford my $450 a month rent in the Big Apple, I have decided to wholeheartedly pursue a career as a professional plasma donor. Yup, I'm that anemic-looking senior who wears the Red Cross t-shirts around campus and carries a collection cup at all times.
As for this Green Key Weekend, alcohol is strictly prohibited.I have an appointment with local medical clinics on Saturday, Sunday and Monday morning.All in a day's work.
