College: A Criminal's Paradise

By Joseph Regan | 2/25/16 4:48am

Speculation mounts as we at Dartbeat wonder: Who is the Streeter arsonist? Who broke the window at TDX? What’s next?

Has the fracket stealing epidemic evolved?

The possibilities are endless. Here are some suggestions toensure you aren't the next victim:

  1. End that 1,000 day streak and lock your door tonight.
  2. Stop doing homework. Increase alertness.
  3. Use worsening grades to stoke the fires of anger and enhance crime-fighting capabilities
  4. Form a vigilante group.
  5. That pre-game down the hallway? That isn’t people having fun, it’s potential criminals pumping themselves up.
  6. Stop them.
  7. Stop the vigilante group because...
  8. You have become the criminal.
  9. Turn yourself in.
  10. It’s almost spring break, anyway. Who cares about crime!

What is the NEXT BIG CRIME?

Release the long-feared Keggy ransom video?

He used to be so happy, so free.

Find a way to delete “Roses” from frat playlists?

Oh, the humanity!

The great foco fruit heist?

Pockets have limits, I guess.

And finally, the most horrifying possibility: the placement of black ice everywhere.

We are only one criminal (and a whole lot of water and malice) away from this hellscape.

So next time you are eating at foco, the Hop, Collis, Novack, etc., look around. The perpetrators of past and future crimes could be anywhere.

Addendum: Dartbeat is in no way responsible for crimes resembling and/or identical to the ones mentioned above. Additionally, any reference to Coolio's "Gangster's Paradise" in the title of this article is entirely incidental. That is all.

Joseph Regan