The Wild, Wild World of Homecoming Alums

By JohnMartin Seibert | 10/9/15 5:46am

The leaves are beginning to fall, the mornings have become cold and S&S is just giddy with excitement over the dorm parties they'll break up this weekend. It’s Homecoming. A magical time when a wide array of alumni gather in Hanover to reminisce over their four years — they’ll say that’s when Dartmouth was at its peak. They are parents, lawyers, businessmen and women, lovers and fighters — and they’re ready to throw down. Alums come in all shapes and sizes, however, so here’s a quick look at what you’ll be in for this weekend.

P.S. If you're locking your door during Homecoming, you're missing out.
The Dorm Busters: They’re also going to barge into your dorm looking to pre/post-game the bonfire, except they're not supplying the beer. As your elders, they’ll expect you to fork over your emergency stock. They can vary from cool to annoying af, but you won’t know unless you give them a few brews. Worth the risk.

The Paratrooper: He or she couldn't get a hotel room and won’t even consider trying to crash in his or her old room. Who wants to walk down to French? They’ll be on a very drunk prowl — probably more of a stumble — looking for a ’19 who lives in a Russell Sage room they used to frequent. Whether we should like these ones is still very much up for debate.

The Ones Who Boot In Your Bathroom: Old people don't even know how to boot and rally. This was just booting. Unacceptable

The Frat-Star: He was coming. We all knew he was coming. Some of us are sighing under our breaths because we don't want to lose five shotgun contests to a 30-year-old tonight. The rest of us are psyched to see whether he has any new wisdom to impart on us this year.

The Deacader: He’s been at this for four years now. All he needs is a ’07, and he’s a legend.

The One Looking for Lucky 7: She was, understandably, too proud to complete the Dartmouth Seven during her tenure in our frozen oasis, but she’s no quitter. She’s an Ivy League girl, dammit. She’s heading down to Molly’s to down some three-dollar margaritas and figure out how to not mention her job whilst attempting to seduce lucky number seven.

The Wingtip: He came in as a philosophy major, determined to discover the meaning of life and save himself a mid-life crisis. Sophomore year came around, and to the utter dismay of all his brothers, he hopped onto the econ train. He’s sipping a $30 mojito at the bar in Pine, wishing he stuck it out on the path to enlightenment. Then, he remembers the $800 Cole Haans on his feet and orders a round of Patron shots for his buddies.

The Through-hiker: What can you say — he really loved Trips. He got his diploma, made a page on go-fund-me and hiked Everest. He left Georgia in August so he could take the Appalachian Trail to Homecoming. None of his classmates recognize him through his beard, but he lives in Trips-land, so who are we to judge?

The Romantics: Every Homecoming is the last chance for these special alums. Finding someone who understands Dartmouth lingo is tough. Homecoming is their second, third, twelfth or thirteenth chance to reconnect with that Sophomore Summer fling and slap a ring on it.

The Considerate Ones: They’ve gone out into the world, found a significant other and are ready to seal the deal. But, how can you marry someone who’s never done the deed in your old Dartmouth room? So, they sneak in. Being conscious of your feelings, they remove the sheets and blankets. The mattress had seen worse anyway — don’t kid yourself.

The Ones Too Lazy/Drunk To Be Considerate: They're much like the Considerate Ones, except they don't care that you’re going to end up with a few blankets to throw on the bonfire.

The One Who Invented Pong: God bless you, sir.

The One Who Touched the Fire: He touched the fire. And, he’s going to make sure everyone knows. He didn't go two weeks without eyebrows to be forgotten.

The One Who Got Tackled By H-Po: He was so close. Only a few more steps, and he, too, could have gotten burns of varying degrees on his face. But, there’s always that H-Po officer — the one who played football in high school and is itching to relive the glory days — lurking in the shadows.

The Sober One: You’d love to get brunch with them on Sunday. Pro tip: Convince them to meet you at Lou’s and they'll probably pick up the bill. But, right now, the only thing you want to do is find that guy/girl you have had a secret crush on all term, not talk about your 10-year plan.

That Guy Who’s Super Enthusiastic AboutMDF: Ironically, he will have more conversations with inebriated ’19s this weekend than any other alum. He means well, though. Even his patronizing smile, while he lectures passersby on their way to LNC, is genuine. Someone has to remind us that fun is bad for the immune system.

The One Who Married Another Alum: The kids have been happily forced to take a long weekend off from school and the family car was packed on Thursday night. The kids are put to bed early in a comfy room at the Hanover Inn, while mom and dad head out to join their classmates in heckling ’19s as they run their laps. Don't worry, Dartmouth taught them well, they will certainly be back in some dingy basement kicking ass at pong. And they will have a better celebration than you — don't even try. #LifeGoals.

JohnMartin Seibert