You can run, you can hide, but you just can’t avoid the 2016 presidential election hype. Joining fellow senators Rand Paul (love that he works those curls just like yours truly) and Ted Cruz, Marco Rubio has entered the ring. In fact, Rubio is in New Hampshire today! Let’s go find him!
And of course, Hillary Clinton has announced that she is running. Really throwing us a curveball there, Hillary. Truthfully, I can’t decide if having Bill Clinton in the White House would be too overpowering or the best thing ever. Endless attention-seeking, saxophone-playing and a raging sex drive. Simmer down, Bill. Who am I kidding — HAGS, never change.
Honestly, though, after waiting for this announcement for two years, I truly expected more from Hillary’s “coming out” video. I’m not talking about the production quality. I’m not talking about her edgy outfit choice. The video made me uncomfortable, and yet I was bored by it. No amount of cutesy couples could make me want to wait until 1:34 into the video for you to announce the inevitable, Hillary. I’m gonna need a little more energy from you on the campaign trail.
Remember that time Hillary was Secretary of State? #Benghazi, am I right? Well, it seems like a new kind of foreign diplomacy is in order, and it comes in the form of a booty that just won’t quit (actually, two if you’ve seen Khloe’s lately). So what have Kimmy K. and the krew been up to? They must be at Coachella, right?
Wrong. You’re so wrong.
Kim, Khloe, Kanye, and the precious Kim-Kanye spawn Nori spent what was supposed to be eight days — but turned into five days — in Armenia for the 100th anniversary of the Armenian genocide.
Apparently having ditched Khloe and her derriere, Kim, Kanye and Nori have been sightseeing in Israel. Nori was baptized at the Western Wall, which really surprised me given Kanye’s self-declared “Yeezus” status. Who needs to be baptized at the locus of Judaism when you have a God sitting in your TV room?
Hopefully the West-Kardashian klique will take a crack at solving the Israeli-Palestinian conflict while in the region.
If a sex tape with singer Brandy’s brother can turn into your big break and ultimately get you into the field of foreign relations, sign me up. Why aren’t more of us considering that professional route? Forget paying hundreds of thousands of dollars in tuition to this stuffy liberal arts institution. (Sorry Phil, but you know I speak the truth.) This is both the American dream and foreign diplomacy at its best.
As I’m sure you’ve heard by now, rapper Nelly was arrested after his tour bus was pulled over and police discovered marijuana, guns and CRYSTAL METH. Say it ain’t so! Luckily, there were many people with access to the tour bus and there’s a good chance the meth was not Nelly’s. Nelly, if you’re out there, I have a message to relay. I’d still take a ride with you. ;)
But Nelly isn’t the only notable figure facing legal drama lately. He’s in good company — also fighting an uphill battle against the judicial system are Jodi Arias, Seaworld and Justin Bieber (in Argentina).
Speaking of legal troubles, why is Bobby Flay blowing up all my news outlets? The only reason I have any personal stake in his divorce is because his now-estranged wife Stephanie March moonlights — aka was/is a recurring character — on Law & Order: Special Victims Unit. And yet Bobby is the one whose name is all over the papers? I’ve been to your N.Y. restaurant, Bobby, and my three-course meal did not even come close to satisfying me like your wife does… on SVU.
If I ever have children, I’m going to sing them a nursery rhyme called “Three Blonde MILFs.” See how they run…
Actually, I don’t consider any of them to be MILFs, but I’d like a second opinion. Screw, marry, kill: Madonna, Tori Spelling, Gwyneth Paltrow. As we all know, Madonna couldn’t keep her hands (lips…) off of Drake. First of all, girl, back off my man. Second of all, I thought you only kissed girls, and I thought that was in the past — but clearly I was wrong. I’ve seen the pics though — Drake was just as disgusted as I was.
Tori Spelling got severe burns at Benihana and needs skin grafts… so that happened. I’ve been in some sticky situations at more than one hibachi joint (wouldn’t you like to know!), but Tori puts me and my ways to shame.
Then there’s Gwyneth. Oh, Gwyneth. Gwyneth (third time’s the charm) recently attempted to do a good deed — she did a food stamp challenge and purchased what was, allegedly, $29 of food to feed her family (her and little Moses and Apple) for an entire week. Her selections were almost entirely green and the amount of food she bought really looked like maybe two to three meals for an average-sized human.
