What would your mother do if she could see you like this? Sitting there, hunched over a computer, eyes glazed over, one hand elbow-deep in a jumbo bag of Doritos, scrolling through Facebook like a lazy baboon in a Dartmouth shirt? I often wonder this on Sundays, as I half-heartedly flip through poetry anthologies in hopes of finding a decipherable Plath poem to prove I accomplished some work that weekend. If the average human spends one third of life asleep, how much of our lives do we spend on Facebook, Pinterest and even blitz?
Like most Dartmouth students and humans under the age of 75, the prospect of knowing exactly how much time I spend on Facebook and other time-wasting websites strikes fear into my heart. It’s one of those statistics you just don’t want to hear, like how many calories are in a Stouffer’s “family size” lasagna or how many sex partners your grandmother has had in her lifetime.
However, with a few reassuring words from my editors, I decided to face my fear and download Web Timer, an app that tracks how much time you spend on individual websites each day on average and for however long you’re brave enough to use it. The app places a little red timer in the corner of your window and there it sits, nestled next to the search bar like a happy ladybug. While seemingly benign, this little devil quickly becomes your worst enemy. When you’re wasting time, you know exactly how long you’ve been avoiding work. When you’re working on a project, you figure out just how slowly you read.
I went into the task thinking, “Act natural.” I wouldn’t completely avoid my time-wasting sites, but I also wouldn’t Google anything obscene. Not that I do that. Ever. (Not even when I detect a rash on my neck and want to know if anyone else has ever had that same rash — and OH GOD, that’s disturbing. Is that even a neck? Never mind, I’ll let it heal on its own.)
I spent most of the first day on Blackboard, trying to read a play for class. “Oh no!” I worried, “They’re going to think I’m super boring and all I do is read discussion posts and check the syllabus like some kind of loser.” Between furrowing my brow and scrolling down, I began to realize just how long it was taking me to read the play.
“You done yet?” the red timer seemed to ask me every five minutes. Paranoid, I pulled up some Word documents for a bit and checked my phone.
Ah, my phone. The perfect loophole. I could Snapchat to my heart’s desire without being reminded of my lazy ways. Did I feel severely judged by my fellow stacks studiers? Why, yes. Yes, I did. I’m sure they watched with wonder and concern as I checked blitz, closed it quickly, walked around, grabbed a book, came back, checked Blackboard, closed my computer, took out my phone, opened my computer and checked Friendsy with a speed rivaled only by some sort of hungry cheetah sprinting for its dinner.
My readers, I thought, cannot know that actually I check my Friendsy. And if they do find out, they should rest assured that I only do so to read through the hilarious murmurs about my friends. The ridiculous pick-up lines are always good for a few laughs. Of course, I’m not hoping any of my matches will randomly flitz me. Of course not.
On my second day of web timing, I decided to relax. Who really cares what I do on the Internet? Other people do way grosser and nerdier things than online shop and cruise the Craigslist missed connections column. I had a paper due the next day, so naturally I spent much more time online than usual. Nothing brings out your interest in exotic dog breeds and trapeze videos like trying to analyze a Gertrude Stein poem. Again, I felt the stack-ites judging me as I sat in my chair and giggled at the adorable teacup Pomeranians and their even more adorable hand-knit booties. After a day of neglect, I had to touch base with all of my time-wasting sites. Oh hello, eBay! Twitter, how I’ve missed you!
As the days went on, I began to forget about the app. I went about my usual shenanigans, from rash researching to puppy perusing without worrying what my readers or my mother would think. Now, six days since launching the app, it is time to sit down and face the music, or rather, the Facebook.
In six days, I have spent nine hours and 28 minutes online, about an hour and 34 minutes each day. How much of that was productive, you may ask. I spent 24 percent of my time on Blackboard and 13 percent on blitz, so I can deduce that only 37 percent of my time was spent on actual schoolwork. In less than a week, I dedicated six hours and 11 minutes to goofing off online. This is appalling to me. Like everyone else on campus, I often complain about not having enough time, but as it turns out, I have an extra six hours lying around every week that I completely waste. Six hours! That’s a full night of sleep for some people, time I could have used to read multiple books, volunteer, clean my room, call my parents, nap or get ahead on work.
Despite how disgusted I am with myself, I must say that I thoroughly enjoyed those hours. How could I regret my time catching up on my favorite shows and browsing eBay when these activities helped me to de-stress after a long day of work and classes? With so much pressure to be smart, it’s nice to turn off my brain and zone out every once in a while. I guess I’ve learned to find a balance. Maybe I’ll try to shave 10 minutes of my Internet usage a day until I study more than I zone out. But hey, those BuzzFeed articles aren’t going to read themselves.
