Dear Gardner and Kate,
How can I get the most out of Dimensions? Also, should I come to Dartmouth?
Matriculating Maeby '17
Gardner: Because you're a prospie, students will be excited to see you, so talk to them. It's one of those rare times when you can go to people you don't know and they won't think you're weird at all. Two-thirds of the students you see were once regular decision admits just like you and will be happy to share with you why they made the right decision. Also, be sure to check out the official Class of 2017 introduction to Dartmouth. You should come to Dartmouth because it is in the middle of nowhere. This may sound counter-intuitive, but Dartmouth's location means that everyone here really wants to be here. I believe the official Admissions Office jargon is "community." No one has ever said, "I really want to be in Hanover so I'm choosing Dartmouth." Quite the opposite: many people who come to Dartmouth say, "Well gosh, I really want to go to Dartmouth, so Hanover it is." This gives us students who love Dartmouth, professors who buy into the idea of actually teaching 18 to 22-year-olds and lots of animals.
Kate: While this isn't very helpful, you will most likely be happy wherever you go, so stop stressing. However, the only college I can personally vouch for is Dartmouth. I've met brilliant, caring people here for whom I have incredible amounts of respect and who have changed my life. Despite the fact I have been known to loudly complain about how "this school is going to the dogs" in "'53 Commons," I love Dartmouth. And yes, I tear up sometimes when the alma mater plays on the Baker Bell Tower as the sun is setting. As for Dimensions, my only advice is make out with as many people as possible at the Sarner Underground dry dance party. While I fear Sarner will lack the sweaty sketchiness of Tri Kap's Dimensions dance parties of yore, I'm sure your nervous excitement will serve just fine as social lubrication. Then, come to Dartmouth and wait for these random people to pop up throughout your Dartmouth career. Keep an eye out for awkward reunions in your freshman seminar, when meeting your roommate's boyfriend or even at Last Chances during Senior Week.
Dear Gardner,
I'm a varsity athlete who splits pretty much all my time between school and my sport, but I've always wanted to be in a musical. Last night I dreamed that I skipped practice to star in "Oklahoma!" What should I do?
Questioning Quinton '14
Gardner: A guy I knew in high school faced a similar dilemma. He was the star of the varsity basketball team but felt a similar urge to take part in the school musical. After learning that his fellow students also had different interests, he tried out for the show and managed to land the lead role on the same day he hit the winning shot in the big game. He even got with his attractive co-lead. Who knows, Quinton, this could be the start of something new! But realistically, being a varsity athlete and the lead in a musical are both full time jobs on top of classes, so that could probably only happen in a Disney movie. Maybe you could instead land the part of Mutey, the mailman, in Oklahoma!
Dear Gardner and Kate,
When can I wear shorts?
Vague Vince '16
Gardner: For the past four weeks, people have been clowning around campus in shorts, ignoring the fact that it has not been warm. Unless you're in the process of exercising, it is not appropriate to wear shorts when it less than 54 degrees or 60 if it's windy. It doesn't matter if it is "a lot warmer in the sun." You're not going to make spring happen by wearing shorts.
Kate: I personally refuse to wear shorts, as sundresses are a vastly more comfortable and convenient way to appear put together. As for men's shorts, I have one rule: no Chubbies. I understand that Dartmouth's overreliance on flair as a fashion staple may have convinced you that these aggressively small and brightly colored shorts are acceptable. However, we are north of the Mason-Dixon line. Until Dartmouth provides me with a date to Carolina Cup, an incredible tan and a frat formal with hoop dresses, Chubbies are not okay.
Dear Gardner and Kate,
Is it socially acceptable to watch "Game of Thrones" on my iPad at the gym? I did this last week, and I think everyone who passed by me thought I was watching porn on the treadmill.
Paranoid Priya '13
Gardner: This is perfectly fine. Catching up on the past two seasons of "Game of Thrones" is integral to your social life. I feel really excluded each Sunday when everyone is watching and I can't join in. I want to, but I don't want to be that guy asking questions every two minutes and I don't have the time to spend two entire days catching up during senior spring.
Kate: While I agree it's fine to watch incestuous soft-core porn at the gym, I have major issues with your statement that you "don't have time" to catch up on "Game of Thrones," Gardner. You are not taking classes. What are you doing with your time?
Gardner: Hey, I'm doing a lot of things this term. I've been busy experiencing the Upper Valley, hiking, reading and working in the woodshop. You know, actually enjoying my senior spring.
Kate: You sound like a 75-year-old retiree in Hanover. Stop showing up to my scholarly study and talking about the bookshelf you're building. Where are you even going to put that?
Gardner: I'm sorry not everyone is writing a "thesis" that takes up all of their time.
Kate: Why don't you just go drink another beer alone at Murphy's at 3 p.m.?
Gardner: Maybe I will. Screw you, I'm signing out of the Google Doc. You can finish the column alone.
Kate: Stop swearing in front of the prospies. And fine, don't come back.
