Dear Gardner and Kate,
What should I expect from alumni during Homecoming? Pledge Peter '15
Gardner: Campus has changed a lot since even recent alumni graduated. What we now consider hazing, many alumni would consider "some soft sh*t." Unless I'm misunderstanding your name and you have recently taken a vow of abstinence or are a representative for a cleaning product, these alumni will likely try to bridge the gap between their recollections of their pledge term and their perception of yours, regardless of facts on either side. The more you know. Also, alumni are likely to misjudge their alcohol tolerance and subsequent ability to relive their college days, thus getting embarrassingly drunk. This is a great chance to pick up some extra cash by convincing them that monetary compensation is encouraged or even standard for things from racking a game of pong to making a Topside run.
Kate: The return of alumni means one thing: cougars and creepers. While the WGST major in me would love to break down the gendered dichotomy between representations of male and female sexual desire, I recognize that my shared advice column may not be the correct place to do this. In any case, the alumni are back in town and their rose-colored glasses are firmly on. While they may have been jaded by Dartmouth's social scene during their four years as students, they now see a grimy basement as the setting of the best four years of their life at least sexually. Whether driven by love for younger sexual partners, a need to take a break from "real life" or a desire to complete the Dartmouth Decade, alumni are in it to win it over Homecoming and Homecoming love/lust knows no age limits.
Dear Gardner and Kate,
I'm so excited for Halloween! Do you have any creative costumes? Halloween-Happy Hannah '14
Gardner: Sadly, I do not. I'm hoping Kate does.
Kate: An important item to remember for Halloween this year is that you'll be coming off of the flair deluge of Homecoming. This can be exhausting, and you may find yourself tempted to go for the old faithful "me next year" (sweatpants, self-granted permission to casually blackout due to unfulfilled dreams) or "someone who's using Halloween as an excuse to get some" (sweatpants, sign with "I want to get laid" in bubble letters). However, I have faith that you can soldier through! In fact, the week-long costuming period allows for an elaborate multi-stage project that would be otherwise unthinkable. Show up at "Tackies" as a Poke Ball, the bonfire as Pichu, '80s party as Pikachu (Pokemon started in the '80s, right?) and save Raichu for a Halloween costume literally no one will guess. Or, you can challenge yourself to go out as many nights as possible and dress up as all the members of One Direction or the evolution of Lindsay Lohan.
Dear Gardner and Kate,
What is the best way to keep in contact with people you care about during off-terms/summers? Lonely in Lisbon '14
Gardner: It's disappointing that you've waited this long to ask us, since the term is over halfway done. There is a simple solution that countless students on FSPs before you have discovered: a blog. I've written on this subject before, but to rehash, a blog is a great way to keep everyone you know in the loop of FScaPades (TM). Simply come up with a witty title, send the link to friends and family and they can read daily updates about your life. Since you're on an FSP, your daily readers will likely find every detail of your daily life interesting and therefore worth blogging about since it's happening in another country. Write about your daily trip to the grocery store, your afternoon jog and obviously your nights out drinking. When you return to campus, it will be as if your friends were right there alongside you the entire time. Literally the entire time.
Kate: We have an overwhelming number of ways to keep in touch in 2012 Skype, Facebook chat, texting, Blitz, telephones. While Skyping is the most logical and should be the easiest way to stay in touch, the vast majority of people are terrible at it. Approximately 70 percent of all Skype dates are delayed or canceled. With time zone differences, the tendency to estimate how long any given event will take and the fact that unexpected mandatory events and pub crawls tend to happen right when Skype dates should start, it's not you it's the medium. Ditch Skype and go super old school with letters. Get nice postcards that people can put on their dorm walls so they always remember how thoughtful and awesome you are as a friend. Getting letters is probably the cutest thing ever and should be done more in general. For supplementary reading material, Facebook stalk for day-to-day minutia.
Dear Gardner and Kate,
I'm worried about the bonfire. What should I expect? Freddie Freshman 16
Gardner: The bonfire is an event for which no words can prepare you. You may have heard about the efforts of upperclassmen to make the bonfire a welcoming environment for you and your classmates. Don't be fooled. It will be an incredibly hostile environment. However, what no one tells you is that having glow sticks ripped off your body by upperclassmen screaming obscenities while they try to push you down so they can watch you get trampled and laugh is actually the most fun you will ever have. Staying close to the fire and touching it is the best way to avoid the throngs of malevolent upperclassmen. I'm not sure what the exact number was, but well over half the Class of 2013 touched the fire. My editors can fact check me on that. Don't let down the hundreds of classes that came before you, Eleazar Wheelock, Robert Frost and yourselves.
Kate: Freddie, you have been writing to us all term with problems that are, frankly, not that difficult to figure out. Look at the bonfire as a Dartmouth ritual designed to wipe away all these questions. You enter, lost in a sea of freshmen, filled with confusion and with Gardner and myself as your only guides. However, as you run 116 laps and the left side of your face slowly melts away, you will slowly transform into something else entirely. Like a phoenix rising from the ashes, the bonfire will transform you into a true Dartmouth student. The exact hours of every DDS establishment will be locked into your mind. Greek letters and correct abbreviations of houses on campus will roll off your tongue. And never again will you arrive at a semi in semi-formal attire, but instead excel in dressing to fit themes with a wittiness never before seen at Dartmouth. Fly away, young Frederick today you are a son of Dartmouth. Or daughter!
Dear Gardner,
Are they really midterms if they take place over seven weeks? Frustrated Fiona '13
Gardner: Despite what you call them, absolutely not.
Kate: I hope this is a rhetorical question you meant to send to Overheards but it's worth repeating: absolutely not.
