Dear Gardner and Kate,
What makes you qualified to write an advice column? Why should I trust you with my problems over my UGA, my first-year dean or my cousin who is an '08? Freddie Freshman '16
Gardner: I appreciate your concern Freddie. I often wonder why I should read anything in The Mirror that isn't brightly colored and in large font like the Overheards. Luckily, I've been trained to write funny 100-200 word blurbs on topics related to Dartmouth for over two years. I wrote for a publication that has since ceased to exist, and I'm well on my way to a repeat performance. More importantly, unlike Kate, I've made countless mistakes in my time here, so at the very least I can explain the wrong way to do a lot of things and you can just do the opposite. You can still treat your cousin as a legitimate source, but defer to us when she starts mentioning President Wright, Home Plate or the '11s being the worst class ever.
Kate: While I trust Gardner completely with all my and your life decisions, I wouldn't necessarily trust myself. I once had an advice column in high school, but that was more of a weird place where I publicized my friends' personal issues for my own amusement. My crowning moment of journalism at Dartmouth was when an opinion column ran in The D about how something I wrote about sex at Dartmouth was ruining everyone's life. This article has since been cut out and saved to show the grandkids. My off-the-record advice has gotten good reviews from friends, family and random drunk girls in frat basements. Fearless against hypocrisy, tears and really graphic penis descriptions, I will answer all your questions even, "Am I going to die alone?"
Dear Gardner and Kate,
I'm having trouble getting through all 20 meal swipes in a week. Do you have any advice as seniors who have been doing this for three years? Not-So-Hungry Harry '15
Gardner: This is by far the most distressing question that we have hypothetically received this week. You claim to be a '15 on the "Smart"Choice20 plan, yet literally anyone with a choice would not choose a 20-meal per week plan. It is at the same time reassuring and distressing that you think we're also on this plan. For our peace of mind, let's assume you are a '16, and I'll do my best to provide some suggestions. Your options include joining the heavyweight crew team, signing up for first-year Arabic, which is an 8 (yes, those exist), trading your Late Night Collis meals with hungry upperclassmen in exchange for a line of thirds, always getting two breakfast sandwiches from Collis Ray or waiting around the Collis register and rescuing cute girls who forgot their cards.
Kate: Building off the assumption that you are in fact a '16, I must say the following: The future of Dartmouth is in your hands. Organize protests outside of '53 Commons, stage sit-ins at the Hop, streak Collis. You could even write a strongly worded yet understanding letter to DDS as they continue to try to restructure the meal plan. Or you can do what I do: Try to forget the fact that you're using real money by equating DBA with Neopoints. Every meal turns into a nostalgic frolic in the early stages of online gaming! If you have the opposite situation and have DBA left at the end of the term, buy me things from KAF. Fight the man and send me some pastries. Dear Gardner and Kate,
Rush is coming up. Do you think the process is fair or completely arbitrary and in need of serious reform? College Kyle '15
Gardner: I fully agree with your suggestion that the fraternity rush system is imperfect. While giving out bids because a rushee seemed "pretty chill" while working on a group project for your sociology class last spring or because he was talking to some hot girls in the basement the other night may seem like an exact science, it actually has room for improvement.
I would support a radical change to the system by creating a three-day, NFL-style combine. People are always complaining about how unfair sorority rush is, but it seems like a great model to me. The combine could save everyone a lot of time by compressing an entire year of trivial man flirting into three days of hard-hitting evaluation. It could eliminate the guesswork by providing objective metrics like 40 time, small talk ability and knowledge of the current National League wild card race. Go Braves. I don't see the IFC going for this immediately, but, like all revolutionary ideas, give it time and it could catch on.
Kate: One of my proudest traits is my ability to discern someone's true value as a future sister, and, more importantly, as a human being, in how they face the small talk gauntlet of, "What's your major?" and, "I love your scarf!" That's why I immediately stopped talking to my former best friends when we all ended up in different houses sophomore fall. In all honesty, the only way you're going to "win" rush is to embrace the randomness and realize that there are good eggs of slightly different varieties in every house.
As a website I stumbled upon while trying to plan my sorority bid night put it: "Pain is passing ... sisterhood is everlasting!" Or you could follow my personal motto and go for the free food, stay for the chance to meet a semi-randomly assorted group of women and call them your sisters: rush 2012!!!
Dear Gardner and Kate,
Can I call you G&K for short? Nicknamin' Nick '16
Gardner: Absolutely not?
Kate: Absolutely. Not.
Please send pressing issues requiring moderately good advice to:GardnerAndKate@gmail.com
