My parents come from two different cultures that share relatively common attitudes about sending your only daughter 700 miles away for school. Actually, they don't even really have attitudes about it it just doesn't happen. Ever.
I would feel very cool if I could say that I was a rebellious 17-year-old who pushed against the suffocating oppression of tradition and made my way here on my own terms, but I guess I'm not that cool, and I try not to exaggerate. When it comes down to it, my path to Dartmouth was very average. I was lucky to have parents who appreciated the hard work I did in high school and understood the opportunities that I would have at a top university. So when I got into the school, visited during Dimensions and fell in love with the College, they let me go. But man, did they get flack for it.
"That's wonderful for Sara, but I could never send my kids that far away," our family friends and relatives would say. "I would just miss them too much."
The implication, of course, was that my parents obviously did not love me or worry about me or want to keep me safe enough to realize that it would be better for me to stay close to home. Well, I hate to break it to all of those parents who would trade their son or daughter's Dartmouth education for the comfort and ease of keeping them near, but that isn't love.
To the parents of the Class of 2016: What you are doing right now is love. You are supporting your son or daughter's decision to come to Dartmouth and in doing so, trusting them to be on their own, to make mistakes and to pursue independence. You are also probably making a few (or more than a few) financial sacrifices to help pay the way.
But just because you, as the moms and dads of 16s, have the insight to support your kids doesn't mean that you won't miss them. Granted, I've only ever been on the receiving end of the complicated mix of emotions parents are experiencing right now, so my understanding is probably superficial at best. But as I think back to a year ago, I still remember the details that I appreciated most and the things that I think helped my parents. I'm not trying to suggest that there is any way to make this process entirely painless or easy or fun, but there might be a few ways to help you ease into the transition.
Start out from the beginning, and ask your new college kid about his or her DOC trip. I'm not outdoorsy by anyone's standards, but I loved my Trip, and I can guarantee that your son or daughter will step off of those buses more amped up about Dartmouth and dirtier than you could ever imagine. If you're still around, postpone the hugs until after they shower. If you're not, it's pretty likely that you're going to be the first call they make once that cell phone is back in their hands. Listen to the stories and don't question the absurdity of the traditions.
When they're unpacking, make sure they have everything you think they might need in their dorm, even if they fight with you about it. Those extra laundry supplies may remain unopened at the end of the year, and they may claim to not need an alarm clock because everyone in this century just uses their phone, but if it makes you feel less anxious, don't listen to them. Especially when it comes to the alarm clock. Phones break, but classes won't start any later. Trust me.
Go out to dinner before you leave. I remember there being something very grown up about having dinner with my parents in a restaurant without my brothers for the first time. It sounds silly now, but I loved it. And if your son or daughter likes red meat or fish, tell him or her to order that those options are few and far between on campus.
Once you leave Hanover, let them go a few days without talking on the phone during Orientation week. It's more fun to catch up with someone who you haven't talked to 12 hours ago, anyway. You'll soon have stories to hear about the people your kid has met and the classes they want to take and the cool things they've done. You'll be happy about them being happy, and it will make things easier.
If they didn't finish their summer reading book or go to that one open house to make a good impression, try not to nag them at this stage in the game. I know parents don't see it as nagging, but when you've only been apart for a few days, any attempts to give unsolicited advice will probably be met with hostility. Very few things that happen during Orientation week will actually matter in the long run, so try not to worry too much. Not yet, anyway.
Whenever the next time you see your son or daughter is, ask them specifically what it is that they like about Dartmouth. The sooner you come to appreciate all of the things that they appreciate about this college, the more you will come to realize just how right letting go can be.
