On Thursday night, college students across the country will don festive attire and gather to celebrate our generation's most beloved book series, corrupted in movie form. That's right, the first part of "Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows," the final book in the series, hits theaters this week and I could not be more excited.
No, that's not sarcasm. I don't joke about Harry Potter; I'm actually pumped. But to be perfectly honest, I have absolutely no idea why. If my reaction to the past six films is any indication, I will almost certainly leave the theater this Thursday livid, complaining about the many ways in which the filmmakers failed to capture the charm and suspense of one of my favorite books.
Yet I'm willing ecstatic even to lose an entire night's sleep for the Harry Potter franchise, even after forking over 10 bucks or whatever ridiculous amount of cash movie multiplexes have decided to charge for tickets these days. What's worse, I'll probably pay this amount three times over, returning time and time again to watch a movie I only kind of like. It's a vicious cycle that drains my pockets and my soul.
Every time a new Harry Potter movie comes out, I promise myself that I will watch it only once once, at midnight, and that's it. But whenever a friend suggests a return trip to the wizarding world, even casually, I'm always first to jump on the bandwagon. "Come on guys, let's go!" My lips curl inward, a flash of red glints in my eyes and suddenly I bear a striking resemblance to Voldemort. "Let's go NOW."
When exactly did I transform from teenage girl to evil creature, snarling and serpentine? How on earth did this happen? And why?
Well, because I get to dress up in snazzy wizarding gear, obviously. (My roommate and I have only been planning our epic Dobby-Winky costume duo for three months now, no big deal.)
But mostly, it's because I am an addict. I am, I freely admit, addicted to Harry Potter. But I'm willing to fight back. I henceforth banish J.K. Rowling and all of her magical creations from my life. I will accept that my 11th birthday has come and gone, and I will embrace my Mugglehood with dignity.
I suggest that my fellow members of the Harry Potter generation (that's right, generation if you haven't read all seven Harry Potter books, you basically have no business calling yourself a young adult) follow my lead. Together, we can find a cure.
I have devised a four-step rehab program for recovering Harry Potter addicts. Am I qualified for such an endeavor? No, clearly. Do I care? Obviously not.
First, put the Harry Potter lingo to rest. It's great that you've memorized enough spells to pass a N.E.W.T. in charms with top marks, but now it's time to move on. Objects will not begin to fly when you cry "wingardium leviosa," and you can't actually win a fight with "stupefy" or "expelliarmus." Unfortunately. In the real world (shudder), attempted magic use will get you nothing more than disappointment and a punch in the face. So buck up, and maybe buy a thesaurus. There's got to be a synonym for Quidditch in there somewhere
Next, move the Harry Potter series to the back of your bookshelf. It may be tempting to reread "Deathly Hallows" in preparation for the movie, but this is a recipe for disaster. Harry Potter is perhaps the best form of escapism currently available to humans, and you just can't handle that right now. Perhaps try reading some similar but less addictive fantasy novels. I would suggest Lloyd Alexander's "Chronicles of Prydain" series, Susan Cooper's five-book "The Dark is Rising" sequence or John Bellairs' "Lewis Barnavelt" books. Others to explore include Marion Zimmer Bradley's "The Mists of Avalon," Anne Jewel's "Black Jewels" trilogy, Ursula Le Guin's Earthsea novels and Dianna Wynne Jones' Chrestomanci series.
Please pay close attention to my next piece of advice: enough with the Facebook quizzes already! Here's a little secret about the recently viral "What Hogwarts House are You (Realistic)" quiz: everyone gets Gryffindor. (Editor's note: I got Ravenclaw.) It doesn't make you special. It doesn't mean you get to captain Dumbledore's Army along with Harry, Hermione and Ron. It means you're boring and got the same result as everyone else. Also along with "Which Obscure Harry Potter Character are You," which tells everyone they are Angelina Johnson it is really blocking up my news feed. If you must know your obscure HP doppelganger, I am immensely knowledgeable and would be glad to assist if you just stop taking annoying, inaccurate Facebook quizzes.
And step number four? Well, actually, I was hoping you might come up with that one. Because, I mean, they're making the movie in two segments So maybe a wholehearted repudiation can wait until next year. For now, I think I'm content to don Winky's dish towel, toe socks and belt Harry Potter Puppet Pals at the Lebanon 6 on Thursday night.
