Homecoming is a special time at Dartmouth College, a time of bonfires, not frat fires (never forget the PHIre); couch-crashing, beer-drinking, girlfriend-stealing, Boloco-crowding alumni; and heavily-attended sporting events. Even Kanye West reminisced about Dartmouth Homecoming in his 2007 ballad Homecoming' "Do you think about me Flo-Oh-ren? Do you think about me Flo-Oh-ren? 'Cause I'm comin' home again, comin' home again." (Best Rapper of All Time.) West is unfortunately not performing at this year's festivities because of an acne outbreak. But fear not Upper Valley and north New Jersey, Homecoming will still be Legendary.
Alumni will return to hallowed Hanover, partake in frat and alumni activities and relive their glory years in that blue trash can outside Lou's. We here at Rec League Legends, Inc. see this as a golden opportunity to raise guap for our Former Athletes Fund a Fund dedicated to ex-Dartmouth athletes who struggle to maintain their D-1 physiques post-quitting, pre-obesity. We have set our goal at raising $200 and our Mission Statement states, "The Former Athletes Fund will stop at no expense in convincing ex-athletes that IM championships are just as memorable as Ivy League championships." Every dollar raised will be matched by Capri Sun Coolers: the official sponsor of childhood athleticism.
Fund President and Rec League Legends' mentor Wade Boggs added, "All these kids had all the talent but just kept drinking that juice. I just don't know why they thought they needed that extra juice. Now that they've got that extra juice, they can't do nothing. Except keep drinking that juice."
Karl Malone, Fund treasurer, added, "Yup."
The Former Athletes Fund (FAF) will be driven by three events: stealing all the money from a Tri-Delt Bake sale, sleeveless-tie-dye-shirt-making and a bikini car wash ft. T-Pain and DDS employees. We encourage all students, alumni, parents and anyone who has played a sport and then not played that sport to come out and support the cause. Direct donations can be made by calling 1-800-LEGENDS or on our new website, IWasOnceAthletic.com. When prompted, type in the keyword "kickball" and you will be entered in a raffle to win a $200 gift certificate to White River Junction.
The Former Athletes Fund is our crowning achievement, hopefully providing ex-athletes with steady income whether they are playing varsity, club, IM or Wii. Visiting alumni may worry about donating a generous portion of their 401K to our Fund but we promise a strong return on the investment. We plan to buy an island off the coast of Denver where we will send former athletes to rehabilitate, talk about their high school accolades and compare third-place ribbons. Amen.
But in the short run, the Legends' plans are structured around helping the young athletes of the Upper Valley. Connor and Katz are off in the Spring and will be interning with the Hanover Little League. Katz will be head coach of the Hanover Hardware Fighting Rabbis and Connor will coach the Canoe Club Flying Angels. Winner gets Next.
In all Legendariness, this weekend is special for Dartmouth College, Dartmouth sports and the Rec League Legends. Football takes on the Crimson in the Collis Ray Game of the Week. Men's and women's soccer tackle Harvard University in the General Tso's Double-Header of the Day. Field hockey plays the Crimson in the Homeplate Panini Matchup. And men's hockey plays at Princeton University, for some reason. Awkward.
It has been a tough week for the Legends with midterms and Homecoming preparation, but they will be back with a Challenge (and video) next week. We would like to thank our editor Katie Paxton '11 for allowing us to send this article in four hours late (Daylight Savings?) and we would like to cite Benjamin Ludlow '12 for the possibly made-up Wade Boggs quote. Also, Mrs. Brian's Mom we know you are disappointed when we don't compete against athletes, but we really tried. Dartmouth athletes have entered full-season mode and we were forced to train against ourselves. It is lonely, but Katz's six-pack is evolving and Connor no longer boots after going up too many flights of stairs.
Have a safe and memorable Homecoming. Enjoy the alumni, enjoy the tradition, and no pressure '14s, you don't have to touch the fire. But that would be Legendary
