Midterm week sponsored by the all-mighty NRO, Shockwave Media Player and Brew City fries is upon us, and while Muggles disappear into the library, the Legends capitalize. As Collis Ray once said, "I'm training while you are not." Fellow Legend Tim Connor '13 is not able to compete once again because of "homework" or "AD" and there has been speculation on The Dartmouth's message board that he is "allergic to yogurt" and "maybe not that athletic." These rumors pain me and finally I lashed out, flipping tables at Novack, eating my fries at FoCo pre-pay and mean-mugging freshmen. I was aggressively popping some bubble wrap in my 9L when Chris Downer '11 noted, "We could use that fire on the rugby pitch. Battle Field, 3:45 p.m."
Rugby doesn't have a tab on DartmouthSports.com, causing me to see it as some silly Collis Miniversity class. But Downer explained that the team had a "website," "preseason," "training trips" and "played Harvard." He hinted that the Corey Ford Rugby Clubhouse had an underground tunnel to Floren as well as 19 ESPN channels (even ESPN Lift, a station dedicated to lifting and lifting some more). I decided to give this "club" (peasant) sport a try.
Will Lehman '12 texted me, "What do you know about 1-on-1 tackling, mate?"
Ne'er rattled, I responded, "Never give up. Nothing isn't tackleable. Mate."
I turned my phone off, knowing Lehman could not possibly respond and made my way to the fields. Classic Katz, I was the first one there and began my Rec League ritual, taking my shoes on and off for 20 minutes and switching socks.
Downer and some fellow "ruggers" (n. a pack of rugby players or Phi Delts) arrived and took me on a tour of the Clubhouse. The main room is covered with epic, bloodied classic Rugby apparel but Tom Sheridan '11 killed the mood by turning the Collis-like TV on to Oprah. I couldn't bear it and we went downstairs to check out the locker room, where Lehman greeted us in the raw. I tried to stay calm but Lehman's nudity plus the B.O. + grass-stains + blood + AD scent of the locker room nearly triggered boot. Downer sensed my weakness and took me out to the Battle Field (name for their practice field, sick).
My first task was the rugby fitness test, a 1,000-meter shirtless shuttle run against Derek Fish '12 and Nate Brakeley '12. As a former endurance athlete, I knew the 7'3" 345-pound Brakeley would be no match for me and turned my swag on. Fish and I have very similar builds, though, (5'9", 160 and jacked) so I planned to pace off him and then unleash the Katz Kick. We were neck-and-neck through 300 meters but Brakeley and Fish surged and I fell to third place at 4:03. The team median is 3:51, so I took comfort knowing that I'm always above the median. Always.
Without any time for recovery, I suited up in a tackle vest (safety first) and the team ran me through a tackling drill. Lehman and Brakeley would run at me and I had to either tackle them to the ground or push them out of bounds. I did neither. Brakeley stiff-armed me so hard I flew back 10 feet and then fell over. Moving on.
We started a punt-return drill where Downer instructed me to "catch the ball, turn around and brace for the hit." Carl Zehner '11 lofted a high-arcing ball and I waved for the fair catch but Charlie Grant '11 yelled, "There are no fair catches baby! Woo!" The whole team swarmed me, resulting in possible rattlement and I fumbled. Ding.
I demanded a new activity and Lehman, Brakeley and I set up the sleigh. We pushed that sleigh and it went nowhere. Lehman blamed me; I got sensitive; he apologized and we resolved the situation right there. Friendship.
Brakeley proposed, "How about we lift Katz up for a line-out?" The whole team giggled and on the count of three, Brakeley and Lehman lifted me high in the air. I felt up, up and away, spaced out and then a ball flew by my head. I freaked and kneed Brakeley in that sensitive spot and he went down. You never forget your first tackle.
With the coach waiting to start "practice," we had one more activity to complete, a live-ball play. Fish passed me the ball and Brakeley rushed at me for the tackle. I had to flip the ball to Lehman before Brakeley crushed my athletic future. We tried a few times and Brakeley kept picking up the pass and tackling me, but on the final try, I believed I could fly.
Fish flips the ball. Brakeley rushes. I fake pass. Brakeley bites. I run for the score. Now normally I embellish these moments but this is from the heart the whole team went nuts. Brakeley had been "dummied" (Rugby for "did that little guy really do that to you?") and I had my Brink happy ending.
I'd like to thank the entire Dartmouth Rugby Football Club for coming out and making this a glorious Rec League Challenge. And special thanks to the coach for the cologne ("Smell like a Dartmouth Rugby player today"). Best of luck versus Harvard this coming weekend. And remember Rec League Nation, never ever give up. Because you never know when Legendary will happen.
