Dear Miss Muffin Top,
I really want to go to a sorority semi-formal. How do I score an invitation?
Lord of the Dance
Dear Michael Flatley,
Send a preemptive and unexpected blitz. Chances are she is wracking her brain for eligible young men she knows, so make sure she thinks of you. This is not to say you should ever mention the semi in your blitz DO NOT. Thou shalt never reveal your agenda.
Other approaches include cozying up to her friends and subtly mentioning your availability next Tuesday, Friday, and, oh wait, every day! Avoid desperate pleas at all costs, however these will only make you seem overly eager and unworthy of her sublime company.
If you are a semi regular, bide your time, and if you've caused any damage to venues in the past, make a concerted effort to demonstrate your new and improved behavior and reformed ways.
Miss Muffin Top values a good dancer above any other kind of date. So take advantage of this Halloween weekend to commit murder on the dance floor, and flaunt your supreme talents. A word to the wise: Grinding does not equal dancing. Just because you can get low does not mean that you should.
Should the clock tick closer to the event, you might loudly proclaim your availability in Collis, or log as many hours as possible in Thayer and pray for a Food Court challenge.
Still, Miss Muffin Top would like to provide a reality check: Who is she kidding, semis are a joke.
Cubs Watch Out! Miss Muffin Top Dear Miss Muffin Top,
My mother sent me a care package with a cape and a mask, but I feel like this is insufficient for college Halloween. What should do?
Sick of Super Heroes
Dear Sick,
Halloween is one of Miss Muffin Top's favorite holidays. And while she thought it would never get better than the years of straight-from-the-Disney-store costumes and pillowcases full of high-fructose corn syrup, turns out it does, and it's called college.
As a young cupcake, Miss Muffin Top made the requisite pilgrimage to the bright strip of West Leb and chose a costume fit for a small boy, literally. And while this is certainly a viable option, you, Sick, are better than that.
Halloween is the pinnacle of be-costumed events, the functional equivalent of a campus-wide tails event, and the perfect platform for all of your fant-ta-ta-sies! You hold the power to determine your opening line on this, the one night when "Hey how's it going" is blessedly absent, replaced by "So, what are you?"
Sexy is sexy, but funny is always sexier.
So, in terms of your costume, poppet, you have several options. Funny and relevant pop culture references, when done right, are certainly the most gratifying genre of costume, albeit hit or miss. Everyone will recognize your rendition of a pregnant Kardashian, but come as the Balloon Boy and you'll have the added bonus of discovering which of your suitors reads The New York Times.
Should you choose a more traditional route, there is still ample room for creativity. Miss Muffin Top loves a pun (think "one-night stand" interpreted as one nightstand), or even a classic when executed with enthusiasm. Beware, however, as this tactic has several side effects.
Two years ago, Miss Muffin dressed as a vampire (ahead of the curve, as ever). Soaked in fake blood, haunting the basement, she found herself the object of more than one Good Samaritan.
"You're bleeding!" they cried.
"But its Halloween!" she insisted.
Some people just can't get in the spirit. And the all-over body paint, while an admirable commitment to the theme, is also fraught with peril: Be kind to your sheets, don't take home a blue-painted smurf.
Finally, the key to any successful costume is confidence. As Miss Muffin Top learned from a dear friend who once met a man while wearing a chicken suit, confidence is magnetic and anything's possible when you strut your stuff or plumage as the case may be. Do it up, Trixana.
Trick or Treat!
Miss Muffin Top
Submit your social etiquette queries to askmissmuffintop@gmail.com
