It's the end of January, and sports fans the world over know that means one thing: the Super Bowl. Steelers versus Cardinals. Young quarterback versus old quarterback. Hard-nose runs versus glorious deep passes. In contrast, all the non-sports fans countrywide -- for example my mother, Peter Hughes '11 and my ditsy red-headed cousins -- don't care the slightest bit about the Super Bowl; they care about the commercials.
I used to love the Super Bowl commercials growing up, but now they are just lame (with the exception of the talking baby E-Trade commercials). I was perusing an article listing the top 10 Super Bowl commercials of all time, and it inspired me to go to YouTube and look up my personal favorite. You probably remember it, but maybe just barely. I'm talking about Terry Tate: Office Linebacker, or as he calls himself, "Triple T" (for Terrible Terry Tate).
Americans of all ages who saw the ad not only received timeless laughs from the fictitious linebacker, played by Lester Speight, but also important lessons about common decency, respect and office protocol. I just laughed the first time I saw the Terry Tate commercials in the 2003 Super Bowl, but this time around, older and wiser by six years, I paid attention to what Terry was actually saying after he physically ran over workplace offenders. Here are some gems:
"You know you can't bring that weak-ass stuff up in this humpy bumpy!"
So poetic ... so true. Weak-ass stuff has no place in this world. Do you think our men's basketball team beat down Harvard at the Pavilion by being weak? Absolutely not. Do you think Doug Brown '09 got to level 16 in the Nazi Zombies mode of Call of Duty 4 by being weak? Absolutely not. Weakness is unacceptable. If you're not a winner, go home.
"You know Triple T is going to condense the nonsense!"
You know Triple T is doing it, and it's important for all of us who aspire to be winners like Terry to do it too. Keep things simple, keep your cool. When things seem out of whack, simplify, condense.Don't get bogged down by complications.
I could start a religion based on the teachings of Terry Tate.
"Break was over fifteen minutes ago, b****!"
For Terry Tate, it's all business -- a get rich or die tryin' sort of thing. If you're sleeping in late, taking naps here and there, and just being an all around lazy-ass, Terry has no time for you. He'll just keep getting bigger, and meaner, and better at what he does, while you keep lazing around. That's why Terry is a winner.
"You kill the joe, you make some 'mo!"
People these days seem to have lost all common courtesy and respect. In the commercial, one of the office workers, Paul, fills his cup with coffee and then puts the empty coffee pot back where he found it. When another employee, Laura, comes in and discovers with dismay that she has to make some more coffee, Terry kicks into business, leveling Paul as he goes back to his desk.
Paul was punished for his lack of respect and common decency. It makes me wonder what life would be like on campus if Terry Tate were running around.
In club badminton, when people walk behind my court while the point is playing, we should have the right to destroy them, just launch them into the tarp. (Just kidding, as it's normally me that walks behind people's courts.) In fraternity houses, when a non-member misses the toilet and boots all along the edges, we should have the right to teach him a lesson. It's just common courtesy, right? Respect what's not yours.
If somebody keeps sucking up to the professor in class by asking questions well after the class is supposed to be dismissed, do you think Terry Tate would stand for it? Not a chance. That suck-up would get wasted. In one scene, Terry tackles a hotel employee for taking 45 minutes to deliver his scrambled eggs. If employees at the Hop continue to take 20 minutes to work through a line of seven people or less, we should have the right to level them on the spot.
Keep the teachings of Terry Tate in mind as this year's Super Bowl nears. We can all learn something from Triple T. If you don't, watch your back. I might be coming for you, and I'm one mean player.
