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The Dartmouth
July 9, 2025 | Latest Issue
The Dartmouth

Point and Counterpoint (Browne)

By Rembert Browne

In 2001, Jake Gyllenhaal starred in a movie that changed my life forever. That movie was "Bubble Boy," and along with "The Jetsons Meet The Flinstones," it was one of the few movies that I brought to college. After watching "Bubble Boy" again last weekend, I began to see parallels between that movie and Dartmouth. You might want to hold on to something, because I am about to rock your world.

Dartmouth Students: Jake Gyllenhall :: Dartmouth College: The Bubble.

That was called an "analogy". If you have no idea what I'm talking about, it probably means you are a silly freshman or sophomore and are not aware of my generation's SAT format. To put it in simple terms, we live in a bubble, and this bubble shelters us from the real world, for better or for worse. Being in Hanover for too long will make one do things like leave you wallet in the library for hours unattended, throw away your key and leave your dorm room unlocked indefinitely, and leave your jacket in a fraternity, expecting to see it in the same spot four hours later.

We need to step outside of this mentality every once in a while and realize that Dartmouth is not perfect. I propose that the "REWARD FOR LOST JACKET" Blitzes that flood everyone's inboxes Thursday, Saturday and Sunday mornings, as annoying as they may be, remind us what it means to live in the real world; they remind us that even Dartmouth harbors a few malicious criminals who enjoy looting at any cost. I don't know about you, but I know this recent jacket-stealing spree has made me more careful with my belongings. Sure, it's a drag to have to put your jacket in a private room, or God forbid, take your laptop with you when you leave the library for five to six hours, but in the long run, we Dartmouth students should be more careful citizens.

I want to say this to the people that purposefully steal things: you are horrible people. As a community, we need to focus on finding these thieves, not complaining about people sending out whiny Blitzes about what got taken the night before. These Blitzes are not the problem.

I called these Blitzes "annoying" earlier, but I retract that statement. Maybe I'm the only one, but when I get a Blitz with the subject "$$$$$ reward for returned jacket," I do a few things. I first get excited because I'm broke and could use that money to buy that wicker basket I've been eyeing at Brambles. I then send the lost jacket Blitz to Greenprint, go to Collis, try to Greenprint it, realize the Greenprint is down, go the Hop, get a B-Feld, eat it, check my Hinman Box and then Greenprint the Blitz.

Once I Greenprint this Blitz, I spend the next four to five hours looking for the jacket in question. It is important to note that I do not do this for the money, but because it is a noble thing to do. Since no one ever really cares to join me in my noble missions, I usually take to the streets by myself. So far I have a 2.12 percent success rate in finding stolen jackets and returning them (one for 47). I know that sounds like I am a failure, but I don't think of it like that. And sure, that one time I did succeed was a jacket I had stolen and returned the next day (yeah, I counted it). The point is that I'm trying to help. What are you doing about the problem, huh? Exactly.

This spike in "lost jacket" Blitzes, in my opinion, connects the community in a very unique way. Most times I get a "lost jacket" Blitz, it's from someone I have never met or heard of before. When I see this new name, all I want to do is learn more about this person. I might poke them on The Facebook, shoot them a Blitz or intracampus mail them a wallet-sized photo of me. It's not creepy, because I know there are others out there that do this. I don't know who they are, but I can sense they are out there. The point is that these Blitzes give some insight into how particular members of the community are doing.

All I can say is that one day I hope our culture of "lost jacket" Blitzes can turn into a culture of "found jacket" Blitzes. I may not live to see that day, but that won't turn me into a cynic and will not stop my searches for lost jackets. Sure, I might end the school year two for 101 (I'll probably steal another jacket), but if these Blitzes continue, so will I. And, to quote "Bubble Boy," "What would have happened if Neil Armstrong had gone all the way to the moon and then never stepped on the surface?" I haven't figured out how this connects to previous 735 words in this article, but just keep it in mind.


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