College males have it hard, especially at Dartmouth. Hanover is not really what you'd call the dating hotspot of the Lake Sunapee region, so avenues to meet those women you want to take home to mom are limited. Luckily for Dartmouth men, there is still one avenue where guys can meet ladies and show off their skills. This avenue, my friends, is the dance party.
In 2003 Dane Cook uttered the phrase, "Dude, I just wanna dance." When he said this, Dartmouth men everywhere stood up and cheered. Not only do Dartmouth guys love the dance party, but we also know how to treat a lady on the dance floor. For all the men out there who aren't avid dance party"goers and don't know the codes of conduct, take what I say as scripture. And just for everyone's information, the tips I'm giving are not just my observations, but also extensive research of reading over 100 Dartmouth women's diaries and Xanga profiles. So, without further adieu, I present "Dartmouth Men's Greatest Dance Party Moves."
Guys, if you go to a dance party and don't know many people, believe it or not, you are at an advantage. Dance parties are first and foremost a networking event. It is as acceptable to dance with a girl you don't know as it is to friend someone you don't know on Facebook or program your phone number into a stranger's cellular as "Big Sexy." Girls do not come to dance parties to just dance with their girlfriends. They come to these parties looking for husbands.
If you see a girl you don't know, the "swoop-in" is the most important move. If the girl you are eyeing is dancing in a circle with five of her gal pals (which she will be), find your wingman and go to work. Stand behind the girl you are going for and tell your wingman to go on the other side of the circle, so he is looking at her. Proceed to bump into her or step on the back of her shoe, and when she turns around, flash her the smile and apologize. When that girl turns back around and looks at her gal, if she smiles the slightest bit (this is where your buddy comes in), that means she wants you. If your pal gives you the thumbs up, come directly behind your lady and prepare yourself for two-plus hours of side-to-side grinding to T-Pain. Even though you can't see her face, that girl is usually mouthing to the rest of her girls, "I'm so lucky." Yes she is.
Another scenario is a rare dance party event in which the Dartmouth male tends to excel -- the slow dance. If you hear the strings intro to "All My Life" by K-Ci & JoJo, immediately do two things. First, look at the DJ and give him the finger-point of respect and approval. By the time you hear "Baby, baby, baby, baby, baby, baby, baby," you should have found the girl who you have been looking at all night. Come behind her and whisper in her left ear, "I could never find another lover sweeter than you." If she doesn't faint (it happens), then this wonderful woman is yours. Don't forget, though, to keep your hands on shoulders and always leave room for Jesus.
This final scene is the one that reminds me this is an elite institution of the best and brightest. This is really just one of the many ways Dartmouth is a hierarchy-free community where everyone can feel comfortable. When I see this event happen, I just sit and watch because the end results are amazing. The two actors in this scene are freshman boy Y, possibly born in 1990, and senior woman X, quite possibly working at Lehman Brothers in a few months. The freshman boy, probably quite popular with the ladies on his floor in Bissell, enters a dance party with the confidence of my roommate in an Emo contest (he likes Fall Out Boy, I like T.I. -- we make it work). He gets a little dancing in and then spots a woman he has only seen from afar in Collis or on first floor Berry. She seems mature, wise and gorgeous. He freezes up and is no longer the confident man he once was. He stares at her for a good eight or nine minutes and finally, she sees him and smiles at him. All of a sudden, the freshman boy has regained his mojo and, before you know it, sandwiches himself between two giggling senior woman who are getting a kick out of this and are having the time of their lives. The point of this story is that senior women and freshman boys were meant to be together. If you are a freshman boy, go after these senior women. They have been dancing for four years now, and that's the kind of lady you want to be whispering K-Ci and JoJo to.
It just thrills me that the whole "sketchy dance party" scene is not something that plagues Dartmouth. I am just so proud to say that I go to an institution of higher education where male dance party maneuvers are seen less as "sketchy" or "creepy" and more as "respectful, opportunistic acts of agility and charisma." There is nowhere quite like good ol' Dartmouth.
Rembert is a staff writer for The Mirror. Before Dartmouth, he was the third member of K-Ci & JoJo.
