Spring is in the air and the start of the baseball season is just around the corner. Spring training has always been one of my favorite times of year. This season, however, spring training feels a bit darker. The Mitchell Report has wreaked havoc on the American sport psyche and our country's steroid problem seems to be growing bigger and bigger. Check out this story I saw come across the wire the other day:
HANOVER, NH -- Safety & Security, with assistance from local authorities, raided the residence of the Dartmoose. Upon conducting a thorough search, authorities found vast quantities of Human Growth Hormone and Winstrol, an anabolic steroid. The Dartmoose has grown in popularity over the past year, gaining acceptance in some spheres as the accepted Dartmouth mascot, but this growth is now being called into question.
Authorities learned of the Dartmoose's possible drug abuse from his friend, Keggy the Keg. Last week, Keggy was stopped by Hanover authorities while operating a vehicle on South Park Street and arrested for driving under the influence. After inspecting Keggy's vehicle, authorities found several suspicious substances, later revealed to be HGH and Winstrol. In order to save himself from a near-certain expulsion, Keggy complied with Committee on Standards requests and produced information incriminating the Dartmoose.
According to his testimony, Keggy said, "I was introduced to performance-enhancing drugs by the Dartmoose. One day, in the mascot locker room, the Dartmoose and I got to talking. He told me about how wonderful these drugs were and I believed him."
In response to Keggy's testimony, the Dartmoose offered the following statement: "Yes, I discussed certain substances with Keggy, but I think he misheard me. I have never used HGH or steroids."
Despite this denial, the evidence seems to suggest otherwise. The Dartmoose's legal counsel has suggested that authorities planted evidence in his residence in order to "catch the big fish." Still, many questions remain.
"Why would the Dartmoose use HGH?" questioned the Dartmoose's legal counsel. "Last I checked, HGH was intended for human consumption. And the Dartmoose is, quite obviously, not human."
Authorities are currently conducting a very thorough investigation. Allegations against this Dartmouth community titan will not be taken lightly. Most recently, they spoke with the Dartmoose's former lover, a current Dartmouth student active in Student Assembly who wished to remain anonymous.
"When I first met the Dartmoose, he was so nice and caring," the student said. "I should have suspected something, however, when he began to experience violent mood swings. It just wasn't like him. I'm so ashamed."
Other students are less shaken by the news.
"It was a stupid mascot anyway. I mean, it's a pun, but it's a mascot too. It was kind of embarrassing," said a Dartmouth varsity athlete who also wished to remain anonymous.
The ramifications of the charges against the Dartmoose remain unclear. The Dartmoose has yet to be fully embraced as the new college mascot, a future that seems increasingly unlikely. One former contender for the role of mascot was especially peeved.
"I think this is an outrage," the Dartmouth Lumberjack said. "I ran a clean campaign to be this esteemed college's mascot, while the Dartmoose has degraded all that this College stands for. More importantly, I've worked hard to develop my intimidating physique. The Dartmoose cheated, plain and simple."
Still, a revived Lumberjack candidacy does not appear to be imminent after he was spotted bleeding through his pants. When questioned about this, he claimed to have developed an abscess from a botched B-12 shot.
There are many who continue to hope that the Dartmoose can emerge from this scandal unscathed. However, an even more damaging discovery may be on the way if this latest piece of evidence proves true. Safety & Security has come into the possession of several documents which suggest that the Dartmoose is, in fact, nothing more than a juiced deer.
