Victory is always sweeter when it's against a bitter, hated rival. The Red Sox have the Yankees, USC has UCLA, Wile E. Coyote has the Roadrunner. But who is Dartmouth's rival? There isn't really a natural choice for the Big Green. Within the Ivy League, Cornell lacks geographic proximity, and I don't think Dartmouth students really care about it either. Penn's too far as well, and Columbia is too apathetic and urban. We want a rival that feels like a more comfortable fit. I don't really have an opinion about Yale, and they seem to have their own faux-rivalry with Harvard anyway. Plus the Harvard-Yale "rivalry" seems to be more about academics except for the one time a year they pretend to care about football (note to both: we're on to your scam). I wish Boston College could be Dartmouth's rival (they don't seem to have one either, since BU isn't competitive with them in most sports), but they would pretty much destroy us in 80 percent of sports, if not more.
Which leaves us with a few possible options, presented here in the appropriate fashion, from worst to first:
Honorable Mention: Princeton
Pros: The mighty Tigers of Princeton managed to squeak in at the back end here solely because their visits to Hanover lead to very entertaining hockey games, and maybe a tennis ball or two thrown onto the court. Bonus points also go to Princeton for having the only hockey rink I've ever seen inside of a gothic-style building.
Cons: Distance. And no one here seems to care about Princeton.
Rival Viability (on a scale of 1 to 10): 4
- Harvard
Pros: The Crimson, whose name is also a color, have their faux-rivalry with Yale, but Dartmouth is geographically closer (an important aspect for rivalries). Dartmouth students also seem to have substantial hostility towards Harvard.
Cons: Harvard students couldn't pick Dartmouth out on a map. Also, the faux-rivalry with Yale might get in the way.
Viability: 4.5
- UVM
Pros: Geographically, we're getting closer and closer to Hanover. UVM has a large and somewhat rowdy student body (especially compared to the two schools already ranked). We play them in pretty much every sport since they're so close, and in many of those sports, the games are very competitive. Plus the private/public college/university dynamic adds a whole other layer.
Cons: As a friend told me, "our rival HAS to be in the Ivy League." When pressed as to why, said friend responded, "Because I am elitist." There is a certain benefit for a rival being in your conference. Also, UVM doesn't have a football team.
Viability: 6
- Brown
Pros: In terms of temperament, Brown seems to be the most logical Ivy. Both attract a different student body then the Harvard/Princeton/Yale contingent (listed in the order of which one I dislike the least at the moment), are relatively close to each other, and the name of their school is a color, just like our mascot.
Cons: Might even make Columbia seem rowdy.
Viability: 6.1
- UNH
Pros: Only other Division I school in New Hampshire. The annual hockey game at the Verizon Wireless Arena in Manchester would be the marquee game of the rivalry. Geographic proximity means teams play in most sports. Like UVM, you have the public/private dynamic.
Cons: Unlike UVM, UNH has a football team that routinely beats ours by 30+ points. And I'm not sure UNH students have as much hostility towards Dartmouth as UVM students do.
Viability: 6.5
- Keene State
Pros: Best geographic proximity. Because they're Division III we can beat them in everything and it won't even be close.
Cons: Do any students besides those from New Hampshire and Vermont know where it is?
Viability: 6.6
Well there you have it. Though there are no particularly great options, if forced to choose, Keene State should be our natural rival. Members of Big Green Nation, enjoy your newfound hostility toward our neighbors to the south. I'm not sure you even knew they existed.
