I recently saw a silly article in the New York Times about a New Jersey high school English teacher who has begun requiring parents to do homework. What a weird requirement, I thought, to hold parents accountable for a small portion of their child's grade by monitoring their participation through daily blog assignments. Maybe, though, this plan is one teacher's attempt to address high school parent involvement in a way that is both satisfying to parents and effective in persuading them that their child has responsibilities all his own.
Super-involved parents infantilize their children by keeping close tabs on them past the age where parents should take on more of a mentoring approach to parenting. (I do not claim that this next statement is scientific in any way, but I think that this stage frequently occurs during the middle school years, perhaps early high school.) Ultimately, overly involved parenting either instills rebellion and resentment or the inability of the child to act independently of his or her parents.
It is true that parents of high school children have some legitimacy in demanding to be informed about their children's academic lives. These parents pay taxes or tuitions, and they have the right to be part of that in which they have invested. Even parents of college students have the right to information about their children's academic and general college life.
The Office of First-Year Students at Dartmouth exists, for example, not only to provide guidance to first-year students, but also to their parents. First-Year Dean Gail Zimmerman explained to me in an interview that while the First-Year Office attempts to help first-year families transition to college -- where parents should take on more of an advising role rather than an active one -- it is impossible to deny parents the right to be concerned about their children. Parents who call the office are often reassured that their students' decisions about which classes to take are rational and responsible.
Of course, all parents mean well for their children. Ultimately though, parents who are still advocating for their college students on a regular basis are hurting their kids more than helping, because their children need to be able to develop the ability to advocate for themselves, as well as to cultivate their own personal lifestyles. Hopefully that does not include drinking every night and falling behind in classes, but if so, such students need to learn for themselves that they need to be more responsible by living through any negative consequences brought about by their actions.
What we do need from our parents these days are votes of confidence. What will really benefit us is parents who will listen to our goals, our insecurities, our reasoning, even if they do not relate to us on a practical level.
New York Times columnist Thomas Friedman almost got it right last week in his op-ed, "Generation Q." Friedman, who has college-age daughters, called our generation the generation of the "Quiet Americans," because we "quietly pursue our idealism, at home and abroad." Friedman voiced his confidence in our generation and our ideals; global warming and the protection of the environment are important to us, he said.
Friedman gave us a vote of confidence, albeit with the caveat that he does not understand our generation's reliance on the Internet for the spread of ideas. This is fine; it is an example of a generational difference. However, at the end of his column, Friedman accused our generation of lacking courage. "That is what real activism looks like. There is no substitute." He was making reference to a bronze statue of James Meredith at the University of Mississippi, which symbolizes an older generation's legacy of activism.
Each generation is different, but each generation cares about something. Just because our generation's activism is funneled into Facebook groups and faraway causes does not mean we lack courage. What we need is a show of support from our parents. Advice too maybe, but the knowledge that they see our merits and approve in some way is invaluable.
Thank you to the Class of 1978: In the midst of what I hope is the denouement of the alumni versus trustee battle, your class's pledge to raise $43 million for your 30th reunion to dedicate to a new, state-of-the-art Life Sciences facility is a vote of confidence in our generation and the future. It is certainly empowering.
