Art, life, passion, 1980s teen movies. Formula: lonely guy wants to get laid, we know he really wants to get loved, guy finds love, insanity occurs so that he can't get love (ex. he has to win the ski race, he has to win the boat race, he has to overcome her crippling poverty and totally hip nature).
Side story: ohmygod something that wouldn't have an affect on any normal community/person is going to happen and totally affect the main community/person unless something is done (ex. those Korean kids are always winning the drag race, some one got drunk, someone's dad is going to jail). In the end girl and guy fall in love, and we all know they are totally going to do it (but it's okay because they're in love)! And who doesn't love that?
Right. So that brings me to the exception that breaks this wonderful, wonderful rule: "The Last American Virgin."
What is there to say about "The Last American Virgin"? It has the general formula: kind-of-dorky guy wants to get laid in small town America, he and his friends (a fat guy and a smooth attractive, hasn't-yet-realized-he's-gay-kinda-looks-like-Ricky-Shroeder, guy) go about doing this in the normal ways: 1.) Pick up three girls -- hot brunette, hot blonde, fat chick -- by offering them cocaine (oh well, I guess it was the '80s). 2.) Deliver pizzas to the mildly attractive, but totally old Spanish woman who offers to tag team all of them until her "sailor" comes back and totally beats their asses (tag teaming? I guess that's quirky and funny). 3.) Go to the local hooker, who is apathetic, mean and totally demeaning to one's performance (hey, that worked, he totally lost his virginity! Yay?). Oh wait, now they all have crabs! Um ... well ... okay.
I'm not going to give away the rest of the movie, but let's just say it involves stolen girlfriends, tons of tittie shots (yeah, that includes the fat chick and the fat guy), and a little bit of abortion.
Whee! Talk about a fun '80s teen movie!
So, I have two opinions about this movie. First, it's breaking the mold. Sweet. Just like all the works of genius did, except with crabs and tag teaming. It's actually a fairly well made movie and there are some realistic aspects: when shunned the main character gets wasted on whiskey (just like real life), drives home safely, parks perfectly and no one cares. Okay that's more like real-'80s life (note: not such a good movie for a new driver to be watching as it creates a sense of false security. This journalist does not condone drunk driving unless you're driving a mule, then it's just awesome). But all joking aside, if you are in that kind of mood (the kind that hates all forms of human life and wants to watch them suffer in the most comically mediocre of way) then yes, I'd suggest watching this classic!
My other opinion I will state in the form of a scenario. Say you are a girl who, like most girls, greatly enjoys the '80s teen movie. In fact, you own multiple soundtracks (not just the easy ones like "The Breakfast Club"), most of the classics and some of the lesser-knows. You hear about this movie, this apparently key movie in '80s teen history and think, ah! I must see this movie! Maybe it's a good date movie, you think, and so you somehow get someone special over to "hang out" -- perhaps with the promise of snacks or maybe with pure physical force.
So you watch the movie, it's cute, it's funny, it's ... oh my, did they just tag team that woman? ... it's quirky and different it's ... was that a hooker? ... it's starting to get weird but everything will be better soon, oh those silly '80s, it's ... abortion?!
Suddenly the hanging out turns awkward. Suddenly getting laid is the last thing on both of your minds, or maybe the first, but not in a good way. More likely in a I-could-get-crabs-or-pregnant way. Mm, neat. Simply, it's just not the best date movie.
There you have it. I'm not angry at the movie, though it was misleading in its blurbs on the back of the DVD about what a hilarious, rip-roaring comedy it was.
I am mad at VH1, where I first heard about this "gem" of a "comedy." I trust those C-list comedians! I let them tell me what to think about a decade during which I wasn't conscious! I let them tell me what to think about decades I wasn't even alive for! I would have let them tell me what to think about yesterday if they had been witty about it and included enough Michael Ian Black!
But now, now ... now I don't know who to trust. If they were willing to lead me down the path to drunk driving without consequences and way too many naked shots of an obese teenager running down a street, without even a second thought, then they and the rest of the world are jerks. Stupid, sarcastic, jerks who have poor memories for movies they claim to have seen.
Gosh darnit what's next? Am I suddenly going to be betrayed by my real friends? Like Chandler? Or Rachel? Or, God forbid, Phoebe?! Can I not trust Television to dictate my opinions and expectations? No, I cannot accept that.
There is nothing to do except write "The Last American Virgin" off as a fluke, a misguided speed bump in the smooth, winding, suburban road that is the '80s teen movie.
