I could not help but notice the recent articles and letters regarding sexual assault on campus. The op-ed contributors, letter writers and Dean Larimore all made great points regarding the need to change culture and behavior of all students, male and female, and put an end to sexual assault and rape everywhere. At the same time in these pages, however, were articles regarding the Sex Festival and various other on-campus "educational" events. Somewhere in the midst of all this coverage, we missed a key point: Student life at Dartmouth, as at other American universities, is over-sexualized.
As someone who is slightly older and wiser than the students currently at the College (and I emphasize "slightly"), I would argue that the best thing most college students could do to avoid trouble is refrain from sex and focus on what's important: school and friends. I say this not out of sanctimonious, moralizing prudishness, but out of experience and personal trauma, both my own and that of friends and acquaintances from my still-recent Dartmouth years.
Putting victimology aside for just a moment, all actions have consequences. The decisions you make this afternoon, this evening, or early tomorrow morning can and will ramify for years to come, whether in your relations with the College and other institutions, your relations with other people or the self-opinion you hold in your heart. Rather than tout this perspective before trouble strikes, the College -- and by that I mean the Administration, various departments and students themselves -- promulgate a live-and-let-live culture, including the Sex Fest that "aimed to expose students to a wide variety of ideas to enhance their physical relationships." How appropriate for 18-year-olds. The only item in The Dartmouth's story that suggested something other than the inevitability of sex at the College was Epsilon Kappa Theta sorority's "Makin' Love Without Doin' It" display ("Sex Week stresses healthy choices," Feb. 16). Congratulations to them for their display of good sense.
I know of many students who have had consensual intercourse only to have it devolve into a case of wrongful accusation following break-ups, regrets by both parties, or fuzzy memories, whether alcohol was involved or not. Other female friends have been outright raped but had their motivation for speaking out and prior sexual activity with others called into question and used against them before Dartmouth's Committee on Standards. Still others have had to make painful choices to have a baby while in college or to terminate a pregnancy. Traumas abound. And somewhere along the way you're supposed to get an education.
Some op-eds and quoted comments attempted to shift the responsibility back and forth from one gender group to another. Without doubt, the duty to end sexual violence on college campuses and in society generally rests on the shoulders of every man and woman. Contrary to the assertions of one writer, women not wanting to engage in sexual activity do, in fact, bear a responsibility to avoid what my eighth grade sex-ed teacher called "sex-possible-situations." This is hardly blaming the victim -- it is simply common sense.
Rather than the suggested "e-mails about how to respect women and not sexually assault them" ("Sexual Assault: The Culture of Protection," Feb. 28), which rehashes decades-old "all sex is rape" ideology, I would suggest to today's young men of Dartmouth: avoid "sex-possible-situations" to head off trouble before the fact. Furthermore, avoid sex until marriage or a long-standing, safe, trusting partnership where you can be sure that tomorrow morning, tonight's partner isn't going to change her mind and start lobbing accusations. When in doubt, just say no. Be especially careful when alcohol is involved. Again, remember that just because she consents now doesn't mean she won't say something different tomorrow.
If you do engage in sexual activity, get consent, and remember that "no" means "no." And while awful but true, sometimes "yes" means "no" too. Unfortunately, some men just won't get take "no," and that's why we have jail. Bad men hiding in the bushes or peeping in the showers are one issue, but it should be noted that the vast majority of those perpetrators were not Dartmouth men.
The controversial gray-area boundary cases are a direct result of a culture that encourages hooking up and largely avoidable morning-after regrets. And in most of those cases, members of both sexes should never have gotten to a point where what he said or she said is an issue.
An alumna friend ('89) put it best: "Respecting a woman does not jive with trying to game the situation to get in her pants. Likewise for the woman towards the man. The 'walk of shame' was a rather ugly situation, wasn't it?"
Understanding and learning about one's sexuality is a process that takes time and maturity. Maybe, just maybe, one's college years -- fraught with hormones, stress, anxiety, and too much alcohol -- are not the best years in which to engage in that process.
