I have decided to devote a few hours during which I really should be doing homework to explain to the ever-curious Dartmouth student the reason behind the Democratization of Sen. Bill Frist's, R-Tenn., embryonic views. You see, Bill, like quite a few politicians of the conservative persuasion, is not really human.
That's right.
Like out of Isaac Asimov's fiction immemorial "I, Robot," Senator Frist has just recently found a heart, most probably through his Frankensteinian machinations as a doctor. To preempt criticism, whoever tells you otherwise is a Nazi.
Now that the nature of the decision has been understood, political science requires me to explicate some external factors. First, Frist argued for increasing funding for stem cell research last Friday. This is important since -- because John Kerry hibernates on Fridays -- that day was perfect for avoiding an adroit exchange of remarks between the two senators. Frist said on the Senate floor -- and I quote the plasma TV in the News Center, where his head actually looks to be more wide than it is long -- he said that "stem cells are powerful." Indeed! They have proved to be so extremely powerful that not only can they potentially cure cancer and communism, but also vote! How else can you explain the populist strength our fellow stem cells have exhibited towards influencing our senator? You can't.
My view comes with a reservation. Having never talked to a stem cell myself (investigative research and interviews are, after all, under the purview of the news section of our paper), I cannot vouch for their political leanings. Are they blue state cells, or red state cells? Perhaps that question, just like human emotion, is a mystery even to poli-guru Karl Rove.
We can safely assume, however, that these cells are possibly congregating in Tennessee, are heterosexual, perhaps even Evangelical, and most importantly, will vote in 2006.
Now, I was not the only witness to Bill Frist's speech on Friday. The following is an unbiased view of the few senators that chose to publicly embarrass themselves by commenting of the majority leader's remarks, which is what speeches are called even if they extend to several hours.
A gentleman of medium stature, let us refer to him simply as Sen. Arlen Specter, R-Pa., applauded Frist, calling his the "most important speech made this year," which clearly implied that he did not spend nearly enough time on the Senate floor. After continuing to make absolutely no sense for the next two minutes, he was gaveled away by a gentleman whose head C-Span artfully cut off from the public eyes, specifically my four eyes.
Happy to get some media attention, and fidgeting so much he was clearly in need of a motion for a bathroom break, Sen. Brownback, R-Kan., mentioned impressive stem cell research done by the Washington Post.
Here is a textbook attempt to assure the Kansas voters that he, Brownback, too knew what stem cells were all about. Surprisingly, the Washington Post Stem Cell Research Department refused to comment on his report of their findings, on account of its not actually existing.
Finally and resolutely, Sen. Dick Durbin, D-Ill., whose name the President Pro-tempore pronounced like "Bourbon," called for a ban on the criminalization of in-vitro fertilization. For the unsophisticated reader, who, of course, does not actually exist at Dartmouth, criminalizing in-vitro fertilization is akin to criminalizing homosexual activity among consenting adults. Specifically, it is a bad law that will be struck down once cops burst into your house under a warrant for a gun search but instead find you illegally, but consentingly, fertilizing you-know-what (ahem, Lawrence-the-stem-cell vs. Texas).
After the conclusion of their remarks, C-Span turned to its slate of Republican commentators, since the views of Democrats really do not matter anymore. MSNBC, on the other plasma TV, turned to a story on Oprah, yet again proving its political genius. And I, well I returned to my homework.
