Just days prior to this winter's finals period, Dartmouth students started receiving mysterious e-mails soliciting virtual friendship from fellow students. Curiosity combined with confusion lured the majority of Dartmouth students into setting up "facebook" accounts in a matter of a few weeks. For those of you out there who have not yet mustered the courage to establish yourselves in cyberspace, pay close attention to these guidelines to prevent a "facebook" faux-pas -- your online reputation might count on it.
Numbers matter. Once you've filled out the bare essentials on your facebook profile, you need to brainstorm a list of every friend you have on campus. The general rule of thumb is that anyone who has less than 40 "friends" is a pariah in the Dartmouth community. Don't sweat, though there are many creative measures to reach this critical threshold. Invite buddies currently on their off-terms, your whole fraternity or sorority and that guy or girl you say hi to while crossing the Green. Still desperate? Invite your whole freshman dorm. Anything goes. Let's be honest, it's not a friends list as much as a "people I could hold a five-minute conversation in a frat basement before it gets awkward" list. So you're debating if it's proper etiquette to invite so-and-so you knew back yore onto your list. Better err on the side of caution and send out that invite.
A nasty, brutish trick I've noticed more students using nowadays is the "non-existent friend invite." These are fake famous personalities whoring themselves out to the facebook. From Jimmy Fallon and Mel Gibson to Kofi Annan and John Kerry, many of our famous contemporaries have staked claim on facebook territory. I mean, who isn't a friend of "Stifler's mom?" I know I am. But let's be a little serious though, don't invite every fake character unless you're the secretary of their fan club. And please fight the urge to invite inanimate objects, unless of course you are really forlorn for friends. This leads me to my next facebook caveat. Do not become a "friend-grub." Once you have surpassed the 40-person threshold, you should be more prudent with your invites. Do not dole them out like stale Halloween candy. A person you sh'mobbed with freshman year should never be on your list (unless of course you are an '07). Discretion is key; as cruel as it sounds, you can de-invite friends, just make sure you aren't one of 10 friends on their list. "Friend-grubs" are annoying and disingenuous. By definition, these chumps have more than 200 "friends" on their list. In reality, no one has more than 200 friends; it is clearly impossible. Immediately de-invite these "friend-grubs." They must realize their facade fools no one. When facebook was exclusive to Ivy-League universities, it was en vogue to have friends from fellow elite institutions on your list. However, now that the facebook has stormed onto the campus of the University of Florida and its ilk, one ought have more discretion before accepting the invite of what's his name from back home. After all, we are Dartmouth -- we have a brand to maintain.
Now that the nitty-gritty of the facebook has been covered, we need to discuss the importance of a good profile. The facebook is every Dartmouth's students window to the rest of campus. A gleaming profile might land you random hookup, a prosaic profile, nothing but disappointment from your peers. The most vital component to a winning profile is the photo. The use of a photo portraying a famous character is ill-advised, as are cartoons, group shots and blurry poor definition photos. Let's leave creativity out of the photo section; we just want to see what you look like. The facebook gives a lot of liberty as to what you put on your profile -- however, a word to the wise: Less is better. Nothing is more irritating that a Dartmouth student pouring his or her heart out on the facebook. I don't want to see quotes from movies, poets or religious text. You learn nothing from quotes.
Another thing that is irksome are those people who are too cool to join. Let's "face" it, you're not. Don't have enough time? Its your loss. I hope you get cut off from your "real-world" friends as we all form our virtual cliques.
Successfully wrangling the facebook is a task that requires the user to be shrewd, cunning and ruthless. But before you rush to log onto your brand-new facebook account, remember: Don't just appreciate your friends -- quantify them.
