People of Malaysia Apparently, my comments about the Jews at the Islamic Organization Conference a few weeks ago sparked a worldwide uproar, with leaders of many nations -- mostly European ones with banking secrecy laws -- calling me a demagogue and an anti-Semite. I never realized the West was so fond of the fatwa. [Wait for laughs.] Perhaps I should ring Salman for his advice [Longer pause for bigger laughs.]
Having just left a two-decade post of service to my country, I wish to clarify some of my more descriptive remarks about the Jews. It is my hope that upon further elaboration -- and by the will of the Prophet Mohammed, Praise Be Unto Him -- my words will be seen in their proper, respectful context. Maybe then we can put this nasty "hate-sparked global brouhaha" behind us like so many Mongul invasions.
First off let me say that I find the Jews to be a delightfully wily tribe of monotheists.
Historically, Islam has been nothing but amenable to good relations with them as an acceptable and only slightly less-redeemed People of the Book. Granted, the balance of power might be inverted from what our side has traditionally been most comfortable with, but if diplomacy has taught us anything it's that we can't ask for the moon -- especially now that Israel is building settlements around the Sea of Tranquility.
I'm sure Allah has his reasons for the current state of earthly affairs, but this is no excuse to wallow in cultural and spiritual self-pity, which are the very serious problems facing our faith that the October 16 summit meant to address. We might have actually gotten somewhere in addressing them, too, if the international media hadn't sniffed South Asian scandal with its enormous nose.
How can we not appreciate the Jews for their cunning and tenacity in light of all they've been through as a people? I mean "been through" in the pluperfect sense as in up until late last century, when things started swinging their way ... The Jews have survived persecution, pogrom, ghetto and genocide. A resilient race, the Jews never fail to exercise their collective I.Q. to insure proliferation, like impish little weeds always springing up in an otherwise glorious Putrajaya bamboo garden.
Does this not make the Jews worthy of our admiration?
What we need is to learn from them, allow them to serve as our inspiration for getting back into Providence's pilot seat. When I said that Jews invented socialism, communism, human rights and democracy, I was wrong. They actually didn't invent democracy. The Greeks did that long before the first foreskin was ever lopped off and fed to Gentile infants in borscht. I looked it up. The other stuff is all Jews, though. From Spinoza to Karl Marx to Isaiah Berlin to Leo Strauss, these calculating, redoubtable skull-cappers have been just aces at manipulating intellectual and social discourse to suit their own needs.
Are these facts so controversial? I, for one, would certainly like to be skulking in the shadows of every major university and government council, deceiving billions of un-chosen into doing my bidding...
If pressed, I suppose I could offer up my hero of the bunch: FOX News Corp. owner Rupert Murdoch. "Rupert Murdoch." Ha! Such kabbalistic brilliance in that man. I ask you: What are the dusty, enervated "Protocols" when we have a personified object lesson in Yiddish syndicalism, alive and kicking? That face, pure Delancey Street silk merchant. And Rupy's M.O.: changes your name from Murray Dochstein to something so goyische, so English-sounding, move from Poland to Australia--Land of the Thieves, no less! Oh, the sly winks from these Jews!--and glut yourself on smaller news ventures and satellite companies 'til you become the fattest media mogul on the planet. Then piss maneschevitz wine on regulatory commissions and the anti-globalization community--Romans at the gates looking to take down your King Herod Empire. I love it!
Anti-Semitic? Why, I'm practically a salivating Shylock myself in the midst of such Zionist accomplishment! I condemn anyone who defames the Jews or minimizes their role in determining outcomes of regional wars in Africa or denies their infiltration of entertainment law and high-level corporate accounting.
Why can't we Muslims do likewise? Why must we be butterflies continually broken on the wheels of our own injustice?
The radical fundamentalism of a Bin Laden or an Abu Nidal looks good on paper, sure, but it suffers woefully from diminishing returns. Diminishing returns now there's something like garlic to the fanged nightwalking Jew, who peddles in luxury hotels, high court judge appointments, all-you-can-eat buffets, blockbuster Hollywood cinema, books about hand-jobs and living in glamorous New York City and low federal interest rates. As he might put it, "What's not to like?" And yet what do we try to sell the world? A seventh century desert, chafing face-scarves, willful ignorance and premature death-by-fire on public transportation. And we charge retail.
People, people, people. What we need is the Jews' technological know-how and mega-ambition. That's all I'm saying.
The IDF is a well-trained army of thousands. They have tanks and post-Soviet era machine guns. They invented the Uzi and the A.I.D.S. virus, for crying out loud. You think a scimitar-wielding band of Saudi yokels could have steered an airliner into the World Trade Center on September 11? Man, I wish!
While we twiddle our thumbs and point our other fingers at everyone else for our failures, who do you think is eye-for-an-eyeing our own Petronas Towers in Kuala Lumpur for imminent demolition? The two largest buildings in the world. That's like the two shiniest pennies on the ground! You think the Hebrews are just going to let them alone like that? With all those bearer bonds and gold bullion locked up inside? It would take a person of Coptic guilelessness or Zoroastrian naivete to suppose so.
Let us listen to the Jews, let us heed their slithery path of self-gratification. We need their ordnance and their demarche politics and their pornographic art and their years of neurotic psychotherapy and their copper price controls and their zombie-spawning fluoridated waterworks.Then, and only then, will the glory of Islam be restored. Allu Akbar!
