It sounded too good to pass up -- 3D Pornography at the Hopkins Center. Since when did Spaulding become X-rated? Were the Hopniks up to their usual hijinks? School sponsored smut, I just couldn't believe it. I needed to know more. Reading over the review for "Disco Dolls in Hot Skins," it seemed harmless enough. "Fresh from the art-house revival circuit comes a campy 1977 porn film starring X-rated legend John Holmes." Unsure of the exact definition of "campy", I asked a friend of its connotation. "The Brady Bunch is quite campy" she responded. Okay, I can definitely handle Marcia Brady.
At most, maybe a bare breast would be shown -- "softcore" pornography, as they say in the business. I just hopped on the carnal bandwagon and cleared my Friday evening schedule. The Friday night Hillel dinner would have to go on without me. After wolfing down some of Food Court's delicious cuisine, I sprinted over to the Hop. And for good measure, I purchased the seasonal pass a day prior. My buddies and I had no intention of waiting in the ticket line. Sure, I wasn't planning on watching another movie at the Hop ever again, but porn is priceless. Anyway, I already missed my opportunity to catch the award winning "Blue Crush" on the Hop's big screen.
After plowing over a few senior citizens in the express porn line, I jockeyed for a prime location in the auditorium. I adjusted my "Deep vision 3D" glasses and perused the flyer given to me. The first paragraph of the flyer attempts to rationalize the showing of "Disco Dolls." "Legitimate" colleges such as Wesleyan and its ilk have dedicated courses to the analysis of pornography -- indeed the cutting edge of higher education. What an eclectic lot of pornophiles. The Chi Gam fraternity was in full force, as well as half of Hanover's elderly population. Grins were as ubiquitous as the "sketchy" townies who wandered in. I even ran into some '05s I haven't seen since freshman orientation! Group porn sessions must be that "class bonding" the administration extols. Soon enough the Dartmouth Film Society's spokesman presented himself. He tried to explain the artistic value of the "Disco Dolls" but his didactic tone dissipated after several witty sexual puns. In fact, one porn fiend screamed zestfully, "less talk, more cock." Although I never met up with the young lady, I doubt she left disappointed.
Let's put it this way, I'll never look at Snow White the same way again, and especially those perverted dwarfs. In fact, it seems that her name is the only pristine aspect of her character. Cartoons in general have now taken on a fresh, filthier facet. Just when I was recovering from the X-rated previews, which made sure to include necrophilia, I was assaulted by full-fledged hardcore sex scenes. There were more "cocks" in "Disco Dolls" than on a Purdue chicken farm. An exodus of shocked viewers of all ages ensued. Though many spectators in the crowd considered themselves avid porn enthusiasts, even the most gung-ho smut junkies lost track of their libido midway through the third lesbian sex scene. The 3D gave me more of a headache than any sort of additional pleasure.
After 60 minutes of intense porn, "Disco Dolls" drew to a painful close. though a handful of viewers let out moans of pleasure, the majority of students who braved through the smut released sighs of relief. Although the Hop tried to stimulate us, it left students befuddled and dissatisfied. And if "Disco Dolls" is the first of class bonding experiences, I dread to see what's next.
