As someone for whom going to class this term can best be described as a secondary activity, I've decided I should invest the mental energy normally directed to my primary reason for being at Dartmouth into what has overtaken academics in importance -- golf.
I've been playing more than is healthy, seriously. I'm starting to develop weird callouses, and have thus had ample time to contemplate the most frustrating aspect of my life (not actually true: watch me play pong sometime).
As I tend to do while I repeatedly chase my continual slice along the right side of each hole, I get more and more pissed. And so, instead of giving you the thousands of pros that spring to mind in our unique situation, I hereby give you the 10 things that most frequently are the targets of my ire.
- Colonel Bogey's: I have no problem with the actual restaurant, I'm sure the food is excellent, and I know that the view from the terrace is beautiful, but the name?
This campy '70s-inspired joke is a tired reference to the fact that "Oh My God, we're at a golf course, and the restaurant is named after golf! Who would have thought?" (Said appropriately quickly and in high pitched Valley tone.)
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There is no ninth stupid thing about HCC. I'm sick of you country clubbies who demand "readable greens." Quit whining, $220 is pretty incredible for a course in the shape ours is in.
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The fact that the Dartmouth Physical Education Department. has anything to do with memberships: As if this school needs any more problems communicating between departments integrated into the school; try watching a subsection of the athletic department try to perform simple tasks with a semi-autonomous business, about as fun watching the Yankees win another World Series and about as likely to be successful as Tony Clark hitting a curveball.
Not only that, HCC and Alumni Gym are at opposite ends of campus so anyone, like me, without a car, has to walk five miles because they want to use their membership right away. Even worse is showing up tired and footsore (possibly because you chose to walk the miles in flip-flops) and being told that you are not yet a member.
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Any hole that I can't hit a driver off the tee: Honestly, the third, 10th, 17th and 18th have something wrong with them, with 17 and 18 topping this list. Not only are they both par fives, they are the two last holes on the course. Any ambitious (read: stupid) golfer hoping to beat local knowledge is sure to end up in a bottomless pit (see No. 4) or on the third fairway, respectively. Both use gimmicks to artificially lengthen what is a remarkably short course.
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The range: $5 for 25 balls? A range that can only be driven to? And of course a system so inefficient that it can only be attributed to Dartmouth. So, you go to the clubhouse to buy the balls and in return you get a receipt. You then have to drive to the range to redeem that piece of paper, and then drive back if you hope to play afterwards (see No. 8 for the problems of not having a car).
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Runners: Included in this category is anyone walking a dog, going swimming or in general, being on the golf course while not playing golf. Golf courses are, surprisingly, for golf.
The next time I have to wait I'm not sure I'll be able to control the urge to pull a 4-iron and hit a line drive (eerily reminiscent, in fact, of what an SAE did to me the other day).
- The goddamm gully (or PC-ly referred to as "The Environmentally Sensitive Area": Great course designers make topographical anomalies the focal point of their course, good designers incorporate them seamlessly and decent ones compensate for them.
The team of baboons who designed our course did none of the above. This is the only course where I play one set of tees for 17 of the 18 holes and on the 17th hole play the whites solely to avoid the hiking excursion that is the first half of the hole.
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The fourth hole: What is this? Pitch-and-Putt? As novel an experience as it is to hit a sand wedge off a tee, I'd rather not be forced to do it once a round, especially not onto a green the size of a small country. I've had putts longer than my tee ball, that's not right, just not right. My first experience with this hole involved two pissed senior citizens who, while standing on the fourth tee, I had flown with a pitching wedge. I conveniently forget to yell "fore," as I was already hiding in the fescue. Indeed, this event was clearly not my fault; no course designer has any right to think something this short deserves the illustrious title of "Golf Hole."
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Cost of carts: While I personally think that carts are not a part of the game of golf, I have a problem with Hanover having a veritable cornucopia of carts, only at highly prohibitive prices.
I also know the argument of the problems of 4200 students having access to them; however, this is just why I argue for them, and of course to mow down the runners littering the course.
- The turn: Are you kidding me? I have never, in my life, been on a course where the "turn" is actually the farthest point from the clubhouse. What designer in his right mind stands on the future site of the ninth tee box and says "Hmmm, well the clubhouse is over that way, but, wait is that a Kwik-E-Mart over there? I could sure go for a squishee"
About the Author: Klempner is not good at golf and has no right to make fun of anything pertaining to golf.
