After decades of fierce and sometimes caustic debate, the controversy surrounding Dartmouth College's mascot -- or lack thereof -- reached a verdict Friday when the College announced the creation of a new official mascot. The "Old, Rich White Man," the result of days of heated discussion by a specially appointed panel of administrators, trustees and students, will be formally introduced as the new Dartmouth mascot at an unveiling ceremony scheduled for next week.
The selection of a new official mascot ends nearly 30 years of essentially mascot-less existence for the Big Green. During those years, the Dartmouth community embraced a number of unofficial symbols, including a moose, a pine tree and a student passed out in a puddle of beer, vomit and urine to represent Dartmouth in athletics and other areas. A not insignificant percentage of students and alumni also clung to the Dartmouth Indian -- which was banished by the College in 1974 -- as a symbol during this period, showing their support for the old mascot by wearing Dartmouth Indian jackets, shouting riling phrases like "Wah-hoo-wah, scalp 'em bitches!" and actually scalping "bitches" and other people they did not like.
The Old, Rich White Man mascot, which appears as a short, gray-haired, white man with a top hat, wire-rimmed spectacles, a full tuxedo, polished leather shoes and a large cane, was chosen because, according to one source on the selection panel, "[it] best represents the Dartmouth tradition. After all, what's more traditional than a white guy?" Supporters of the Old, Rich White Man mascot envision him running up and down the playing field inciting Dartmouth fans with cheers such as "My country club invented racial profiling!" and taunting members of the opposing team with insults like "My eight-year-old daughter's cocaine stash is worth more than your entire life!" all while beating minorities unconscious with his cane.
The selection of the Old, Rich White Man was not unanimous, however, as several members of the selection committee supported instating the Indian as the official Dartmouth College mascot. According to its supporters, the Dartmouth Indian, which reigned as the mascot of the Big Green from the 1920s until 1974, is a symbol of cherished tradition, hollowed pride and stupid Native Americans being taught the ways of the superior white man.
The Indian, contrary to popular opinion, is also widely supported by actual Native Americans, its supporters claim. Said Stan George, who is in favor of bringing back the Indian mascot: "Mah friend Dweezil dun did this stertistical analersis usin' numbers and mathematicals and stuff and he axed sumthin' like twelfty [sic] redskins, uh I means 'Native Americans,' whether they is offended by injun, uh I means 'Native American' mascots, and they all dun said they ain't." Other supporters of the Indian mascot also cited this statistic, maintaining that Dweezil's comprehensive survey of Native Americans and their opinions on Indian symbols should be the sole gauge in determining whether the Indian should become the official college mascot.
Advocates of the Old, Rich White Man argued, however, that the Indian is a relatively new idea, since it has been associated with Dartmouth for only 80 years, while the Old, Rich White Man has been a part of Dartmouth since the school's inception. The Indian, they contend, is therefore not as traditional as the Old, Rich White Man, and since the only argument supporters of the Indian make is running around shouting the hackneyed term "tradition," there is absolutely no reason why the Indian should be the official symbol of the College. This line of reasoning apparently won over a majority of the members on the panel, as all motions to make the Indian the official College mascot failed.
Supporters of the Indian presented several alternatives in its stead, including: a nerdy-looking Chinese student with really slanted eyes holding a calculator, a ruler and mechanical pencils; a big-nosed Jewish banker hoarding several bags of money; a poor, dirty Mexican farmer selling bales of marijuana; a curry-smelling Indian taxi driver with a big blue turban and a bushy, tangled beard; a tall black gangster with 14 gold chains hanging from his neck and a basketball in his hands; and a homosexual man wearing a tight pink tank top and purple spandex pants with both ears pierced and carrying a Gucci leather purse. Like the proposal to bring back the Indian, these suggestions were similarly rejected, eliciting an assortment of bewildered faces from confused and stupefied Indian supporters who "didn't understand what the big deal was."
