We had a problem with geese crapping on the manicured grass that lined the shore of the club on the lake. I don't know how many there were, probably five or six, but they'd come every night, fill their guts with our grass and excrete it hours later without a care in the world. Something had to be done. Dung really ruined the ambiance.
They could have been shot. Quite frankly I think they should have been shot and fed to hungry people, after all they probably cost nine bucks a pound in swanky markets. We'd fed them enough. Tit-for-tat. But someone high in the administration of that piece of waterfront decided that was just too barbaric.
They did not consult me.
So they sprayed the grass with a foul-tasting chemical. God only knows what it was, or how much it cost the club members, but the geese couldn't stand it. The grass was totally inedible. Still green and crisp and trim, but coated in some sort of mystery substance.
That effort has been expended devising an anti-goose lawn treatment says something about the logic of our species. I don't know what, but it's not flattering. But I digress.
In any case, geese don't exactly have the most discerning palates around, I mean they literally do fine on pond scum, so I couldn't help but wonder what exactly tasted bad enough to put them off. Little kids played on this grass, drooled on it, dropped food on it and gave it to their siblings. I spent sunny afternoons stretched out on it, reading or admiring the mountains or girls or a nice breeze or whatever caught my eye.
"Oh don't worry about it, it's totally organic," was the response I got when I asked about what it was they'd slopped over the lawn.
"It's totally organic, huh?" I asked, rather unassured.
"Oh yeah. Don't worry. Totally organic."
Totally organic.
It struck me then how brainwashed we've become. People with a product beguile the masses with messages so inane when you look into them it's a marvel how many smart people are duped. The whole "organic equals safe" craze is a great example.
I could've let loose a torrent of cobra venom on that grass and reassured anxious mothers with the same line used to "calm" my anxiety. Cyanide or botulin toxin would've worked too.
"Don't worry, madam. It's totally organic."
The goose crap was organic too, so I don't see how we gained any ground.
Grocery stores like to charge extra cash for crops grown "organically," without the use of pesticides, herbicides or fertilizers. Limiting the use of these chemicals is good, in that any of the various "-cides" are weapons of mass destruction as far as entire taxa of incidental victims are concerned. I'm all for progress of this sort.
The marketing of such products, however, seems designed to exploit our weaknesses rather than our virtues. The attitudes surrounding organic food products relate to consumer safety and improved health, rather than environment-friendly practices.
So what's the problem? People act in their interest and benefit something greater. Seems fine.
The problem goes back to the ignorant statement that sparked this column. Organic does not necessarily equal safe. In some cases, it may be more dangerous to consume foods that were not treated for certain parasites. The goose dung used for natural fertilizer is swarming with all kinds of microbes. Getting a culture of them going in your belly could be much worse than some trace quantity of manufactured nitrates or phosphates. The safest solution probably lies in the moderate region between chemical use and abstinence.
The second problem with these types of fads is that people end up paying more for a process or endorsement they don't really understand. We seem so eager to jump on bandwagons without checking the wheels.
Shampoo companies love this about us, and use tactics to exploit it. Bragging about the rich vitamin content of the latest formulations, Herbal Essences seems to forget that no matter how good its soap smells, most of us don't eat it. The marketing department realizes that dismally few people really understand that hair absorbs nutrients about as well as granite.
I wouldn't deny that you can coat hair with some kind of substance, but all the jazz about proteins and vitamins and minerals and yucca extract and manioc essence really suggests that you're getting more than a topical shellacking. Hair grows from the follicle. Cactus juice may be great if you drink it, but you probably aren't getting the bang for your buck every morning in the shower.
Surprisingly little effort goes into debunking public self-deception. We are much more prone to awe and acceptance than skepticism. The problem as it relates to the masses may be insurmountable, but I think everyone benefits from a little reminder now and again.
Carl Sagan, perhaps the most widely read scientist ever, wrote at length on the problems of an accepting public, indeed making this issue a central theme to one of his books. But he was not the first to recognize the importance of skepticism. "Where there is doubt, there is liberty," goes an old latin proverb. Credulity can hurt.
Be careful of claims that sound too good to be true. They usually are.
