So you're leaving college or high school or middle school early for the NBA draft and you need some advice on how to make the transition a smooth one. Well you came to the right place, dawg. I've prepared a list of frequently asked questions to help ease youngsters into the professional basketball scene.
Before I enter the draft, I'd like to know if it's a good idea because I'm actually not very good. What should I do?
This is a difficult decision for many high school seniors because they're not that good at basketball but they're also not smart enough to go to college. You should probably NOT enter the draft if you won the sixth man award as a senior on your high school team. Having a nickname such as "Charlie Hustle" or "Brik-layah" is another possible sign that you're a candidate to get passed over by the NBA.
I know that I'm not a top five pick. Where should I hope to get drafted to ensure a prosperous career?
The answer to this question used to be "anywhere but Vancouver" but now that the Grizzlies have moved to Memphis, most NBA venues are acceptable places to land. Interestingly enough, the answer to this question is now 24. In the past decade, the ten players selected as the 24th pick have combined to score more points than any other pick after number 13.
A good strategy for locking up the double-dozen pick would be to send a buddy to botch lay-ups at workouts for teams other than the one holding lucky number 24. Those teams would pass you over because they would think you suck at basketball. I would be a good person to send to an NBA workout because I really do suck at basketball. If you're black or tall you should probably pick somebody else.
Is it acceptable to get a Hummer before the draft?
Yes! You should try to get as many Hummers as possible before the draft from those looking to ride the coattails of early fame. And then after the draft you should continue to get Hummers from the Miami Heat cheerleaders. Don't pay too much for a Hummer, though, because that might raise eyebrows.
Okay, but is it okay to receive a Hummer from your mom as a gift?
God, no. That's disgusting.
But LeBron James got a brand new H2 from his mother for his birthday. What's wrong with that?
(Long pause)
You were talking about H2's?
Yes, of course.
Right. Of course.
Well, the LeBron James case is a classic "jumping the gun" situation. Here's a kid that needs to wait less than a month for his season to end, and he can't hold out that long to get a brand new $55,000 truck? I mean, we're supposed to believe that his mom can afford to get an H2 with customized leather "King James" seats, three plasma flatscreens and navi-gai-shun? He's got a PS2 in there too. Damn, that's tight.
I'd love to roll to practice in that ride. I say you should take the Hummer. Just don't back over sedans like Bron Bron does.
I like to smoke a little marijuana from time to time. Do I need to stop smoking once I get drafted?
(Laughing) Don't be ridiculous. All NBA players learn to be successful despite their pot-smoking habits. In fact, many players consider marijuana part of their training regimen.
There are, however, some precautions that should be taken in order to insure you don't end up behind bars. For instance, when driving around Portland, Ore., you should not have smoke billowing out a cracked window. If you do get pulled over, be calm and do not let the officer look in your trunk because your trunk is where you keep your stash and your piece. You don't want the officer looking back there.
It's also important not to smoke too much marijuana because you might start receiving fines from the league office. Marijuana can impair your judgment and make you lethargic. (If you don't believe this, watch Allen Iverson's entire "it's just practice" press conference and tell me that man doesn't smoke more weed than Willie Nelson.) Also, according to an advertisement during Super Bowl XXXVII, marijuana can impregnate teenagers.
Speaking of teenage pregnancy, I'm planning on starting an illegitimate family. Is there a right or a wrong way to go about doing this?
Oh definitely. You should start by knocking up your high school honey. Everybody knows you're not going to marry her because she's not that hot by NBA standards. You shouldn't feel guilty about this because you'll be paying her about thirty thousand a month in child support.
Once you get to the NBA, you start meeting women in different cities. Every new city is an opportunity to produce an illegitimate child. It's important to remember, however, that if you go this route you should take credit for your promiscuity instead of trying to cover it up. Witness Julius Erving's repeated attempts to deny claims that he fathered professional tennis player Alexandra Stevenson. Unfortunately for Dr. J, Ms. Stevenson is like 6'5" and looks just like him minus the moustache.
The first thing I'm going to do with my money is buy a money house. How do I make it worthy of an appearance on MTV Cribs?
Go the extra mile. Everyone has a framed Scarface poster so commission a Scarface mural. Success is in the little things.
Take a page out of Snoop Dogg's book and get a refrigerator that holds exclusively Eggo Waffles. Another excellent Snoop touch was the framed family portrait in which each family member wears a different NFL replica jersey.
It's also absolutely necessary that your house be on a golf course so that you can drive balls at the closest green from your back yard a la Steve Francis. And finally, nothing empties a country club faster than 2 a.m. block-rockers (as evidenced by the mass exodus from Master P's adopted New Orleans community), so invite your posse over to celebrate after every home victory.
To sum up: only enter the draft if you were a stud in high school or college; if you're not going top five, go for number 24; get benefits as soon as possible; smoke pot in moderation; begin planning for a family early; get a dope crib. With these lessons in mind, you should be prepared for a stellar NBA career. Unless of course you don't get drafted in which case you could audition for a role in "Juwanna Mann 2."
