All's fair in love and war, and man, it's a jungle out there. We come across challenges and ugly situations every day, and being nice won't get us very far. No, to prevail in the harsh reality of daily life, some subversive tactics have to be employed. One of the more useful tactics is what military strategists call misdirection. Now, misdirection in the strictly military sense is slightly different, but in day-to-day life, misdirection simply means mastering the art of speaking without actually saying anything, describing without being concrete, communicating without making sense. Such arts are often showcased by illustrious figures such as tarot readers and our esteemed President Bush, but we cannot all hope to be so naturally talented. With enough persistence and practice, however, we can hope to excel in daily verbal misdirection, leaving all our enemies confused and in the dark, exactly the way we want them. I am pleased to report that Dartmouth students, on average, are rather skilled at these arts. Our weapon in the art of misdirection is so potent and insidious that we should surely get something valuable (like P.E. credit) for mastering it. I am talking, of course, about our use of the word "sketchy."
There is hardly a more vague yet descriptive word in English. I don't even think it's really a word. Sketchy is a term that you will hear applied to a wide variety of situations and people and things. The pasta in Food Court is often sketchy. So is the weather most of Winter term. And the plastic cups full of mysterious blue drinks passed around a frat basement. Sketchy is also the guy down the hall who doesn't shower or the Green- Print printers that always conveniently malfunction when you have to print out a paper that's due in five minutes. And then, of course, there are those seniors who hit on innocent freshmen over seemingly innocuous games of pong. Seriously, what's more sketchy than that?
That's all great, you say, but what does the word actually mean? That's the beauty of it, you see, it doesn't mean anything and yet, at the same time, it means so much. When you use the word sketchy, only you know what you mean. The term is vague enough to leave room for all sorts of wonderful interpretations. In fact, the term is so nebulous that being called sketchy isn't necessarily an insult. I have a friend who gets so thrilled whenever he's called sketchy that he positively beams in delight. So sketchy can be both a positive and negative adjective, but more importantly, no one else will know which one you mean it to be. This is the crux of misdirection. You can call everything and everyone sketchy, leaving all your listeners unsure and confused. And from this hesitation and confusion, you can derive your power and gain the ever-important upper hand.
There are those among you, I'm sure, who doubt my words, but you see, your fault lies in the failure to see the importance of being vague. Forget what your English professor told you about the value of clear, cogent speech. You don't want people to understand you all the time. Why else would you use other equally unclear, fuzzy and well-loved terms such as "hook up." The purpose is the same. These are words you can use when talking to your parents and they will have no idea what you mean. Now if that's not an important life skill, I don't know what is. Let me illustrate.
You: "Mom, Dad, I'm not pre-med anymore. I think I'm going to join the circus."
Mom and Dad: "What!?"
You: "But you don't understand. All the pre-med classes here are so sketchy."
And while your parents try to decipher what this means, you can make your exit and avoid a long, painful conversation. Why be articulate when you can be vague? The great thing about this institution is that all the students are always helpful and encouraging of their peers. So we're all in this together, with the exception of the few delinquent dissidents who refuse to join the effort of misdirection. The word sketchy is pervasive on this campus. I wasn't sure whether it was a strictly Dartmouth phenomenon, but it's definitely nurtured and cultured here. Other college environments might try to make their students more intelligible, but no sir, not this one. We're not the Big Green for nothing. We know a thing or two about life. So, embrace the word sketchy, practice it, master it. Then use it on an unsuspecting enemy, leaving him or her dazed and confused. A little ruthless, I know, but absolutely essential. How else do you think you're going to beat that stir-fry line in Collis after your 12?
