The 2002 Winter Olympics were officially brought to an end with last Sunday's closing ceremonies, concluding what many have called the most successful Olympics to date. Despite several controversies, including the questionable judging of the pairs' skating competition and accusations by countries such as Russia and South Korea of biased officiating, this year's Winter Games will most likely be remembered for its heart-warming victories, uplifting stories and exciting athletic competition. Lost in all of this, however, were the new and obscure competitions that were added to this year's Olympics -- those that were so bizarre that most people probably didn't even hear about them. For the benefit of those people, here's a recap of one of the more interesting new competitions, the 5k International Insult Competition.
In this competition, world leaders square off and hurl insults at each other. Whoever is voted best insulter by a panel of judges is the gold medal winner. The "5k" in the name is there to imply that some kind of physical skill is involved; indeed there is nothing physical at all about this contest except for the launching of gallons of saliva into the air by the nimble, shouting athletes.
In this year's Games, U.S. President George W. Bush was the favorite for this competition, having impressed many with his "axis of evil" insult in his State of the Union speech. Bush made a strong showing, making it to the semifinal round where he faced off against Jiang Zemin of China. Opening with the classic "capitalist-roader," Jiang received extremely high marks from four of the five judges -- the Russian, Ukrainian, Lithuanian and Cuban judges -- putting pressure on Bush to respond with an equally biting insult. But Bush, either stunned by the vicious attack or just plain stupid, only managed to get out an indiscernible, high-pitched squeak, which was quickly translated by aides to mean: "At least we're not part of the axis of crappy-plastic-toy-makers." The fifth judge, from Taiwan, was insulted that this phrase was used as an insult and disqualified Bush from the contest.
In the other semifinal, Saddam Hussein of Iraq and Mathieu Krkou of Benin fought a tough match, with Hussein losing only after his insult, "You smell like approximately half a liter of nerve gas," led to a search of his body and the discovery of nerve agent canisters in one of his more yucky body cavities. In a strange twist, Attorney General John Ashcroft, notified by law enforcement officials about the nerve agent findings, ordered the disqualification and detainment of all Olympic teams not from the United States, declaring that such action was necessary to ensure the safety of athletes and spectators. As an added precaution, Ashcroft ordered the evacuation of Utah. When notified that he could not actually carry out these plans, Ashcroft responded, "Darn. I guess I'll just arrest some more Arab-Americans."
The final pitted Jiang against Krkou. Although Jiang's statement, "We will hit all your spy planes with our fighter planes" drew boos from the American crowd, the judges seemed pleased with the threat, awarding the Chinese president high marks. But when Krkou responded by saying, "We don't have any spy planes. Ha," the competition was over: Jiang conceded, knowing that he had been bested.
The bronze medal match between Bush and Hussein ended just a few seconds after it began, with a bomb dropping on Hussein's face as soon as he opened his mouth. Bush denied any involvement in the assassination, saying, "Uh, I don't think I is allowed to do that kinda stuff no more." Needless to say, Bush won the medal.
The president of Russia, Vladimir Putin, who lost early in the competition, complained about biased judging, claiming that there weren't enough ex-communist states on the panel of judges. After his accusations failed to elicit a response from Olympic officials, Putin offered what he called a "handsome offering" of eight billion rubles (nearly $8.50) to initiate an investigation. When this failed to generate an inquiry into the charges, President Putin threatened that Russia might boycott the closing ceremonies and leave the games; however, no one cared.
