Expert Opinions

by Hemant Joshi | 11/15/00 6:00am

As a result of this year's incredibly close election, the American media have focused only on Vice President Al Gore, Governor George W. Bush and the state of Florida for the past week. Unfortunately, this has resulted in the total absence of opinions asserted by people who are not "experts" working for news organizations. In fact, many notable individuals who have valuable opinions concerning the election have not had the opportunity to voice their ideas because the news stations are so determined to have their own people explain the manglement of this year's election. It is important that we Americans hear the thoughts of those shunned by the networks, and therefore I suggest the following people be interviewed so that they may share their important feelings concerning the election:

Monica Lewinsky -- Not only has this woman had sexual relations with that man, but she has also lost weight through some special diet. These features make her representative of a sizable part of the female population in the US. No doubt she has several important statements to make regarding the election. Perhaps she would shed light on the fact that presidential mistresses often have been discriminated against in the election process. Then she would charge that there was some sort of voter intimidation involved. One of the two major political parties would then say, "No way! Voter fraud stuff doesn't happen in our non-racist, unprejudiced, great, perfect country." Then Monica would say, "Yes it does." And then that same party would say, "Ok, but we're going to criticize you for taking legal action, and then hypocritically take legal action ourselves to stop you from rechecking the votes cast." And that's probably what would happen when news stations decide to interview her.

Ralph Nader and Patrick Buchanan -- Nader failed to get his five percent, and he also failed in his little mission to completely destroy the Democratic Party and its chances at claiming the presidency. Buchanan simply failed to get any votes, except from his staunchest supporters -- the elderly Jews and minorities of Palm Beach. An interview with Ralph and Pat would allow them to comment on their respective failures and would also give them the opportunity to describe their promising friendship. Both would talk of their common interest in stealing votes from the evil Democratic and Republican parties and their plans to take over the country. Both would also note, however, that despite their budding relationship, they often get into arguments concerning strategies taking over the country. Nader's plan would be to annihilate Democrats and Republicans with very green foliage, unpolluted air and "consumer-powered, universal, accessible, quality health care" forced upon them, and then take over everything. Meanwhile, Buchanan would argue that a much more efficient way would be to collect all the immigrants in the country and just launch them into D.C. That way, Buchanan would argue, the country would be getting rid of its two biggest threats. Both would squabble during the interview; each asserting that his way is the best. Finally, they would realize that they don't have a chance to complete either plan, and Nader would move to Canada, and Buchanan would move to 1939 Germany.

Jeb Bush -- Jeb has the punishing job of governing a state characterized by ineptness on all levels -- ineptness by the officials who designed ballots in Palm Beach County, the residents of that county who can't read the ballots and the officials who don't know how to deal with the problem of people who can't read the ballots. Further, Jeb failed to deliver his state to his brother even though he "assured" George that the state would be in the Republican column Nov. 7. Interviewing Jeb would allow him to defend his poor execution of the master plan to cheat Al Gore of thousands of votes. George would phone in during the interview and disparage his brother, calling him a "poopy head," and saying, "Al Gore shouldn't get Florida. Jeb the Ultimate Authority on Everything promised the state to me. I can't believe that butthead broke his promise." The name-calling would escalate, and finally Jeb would be forced to divulge the fact that George was once the biggest supplier to Yale drug circles. George would counter by saying that one time when Al Gore was in college he found a quarter and kept it. People would forget George's petty offense and become outraged with Al's atrocious actions. In the end, the Jeb Bush interview would become famous for ending Gore's political aspirations forever.

Elian Gonzalez -- What ever happened to this wonderful child? For days he was our country's only news. He was so important that everyone from government to preschool was discussing his plight. Why has he not been contacted about our election? What an injustice! Elian must have several valid points to make about the two candidates and the state of Florida where he was held captive. Speaking through a translator, Elian would explain to the interviewer his position on America's electoral process, comparing the benefits with the drawbacks. When asked how he came to be so smart at such a young age, Elian would most likely answer that during the few short days he was in Florida, he received a wonderful education from Florida's astounding public school system. He would then proceed to whip out an Uzi and point it at the interviewer's face, defending this action by saying it was also something he learned in the free United States.

It is essential that each of these people be allowed to express his or her views on the election. The absurdity of allowing only "experts" to dissect American politics must be stopped, as it perpetuates the idea that regular Americans (and little Cuban boys) aren't interested in the happenings of our government. Of course, we all know that people actually do care a lot -- how else could our country manage a turnout of over 50 percent?