It's almost that merry season in Hanover again. No, I don't mean the season when fat men dress up in red suits. I'm talking about the season when frat guys dress up in business suits. All of a sudden, friends of yours, who usually walk around campus in shoes held together by duct tape, have taken to looking downright respectable. What gives? One word: interviews. Five more words: They are about to start.
Forget those harmless little bulls running through the streets in Spain. You want to see some hard-core mass hysteria? Make yourself comfortable on one of those (really uncomfortable) Hanover Inn rockers, and watch the action for yourself, as frantic students rush from interview to interview. I heard that in the Interview Season of '88, an innocent sophomore was trampled by a group of seniors who just heard that an interview slot had opened up. No one likes to talk about that.
Chances are, you're a little nervous for interviews. Well, good -- you should be. But what few people realize, is that like talking your way into an extension, or writing a paper two hours before it's due, interviewing is an art form that is best cultivated on a college campus. You've had three hearty years of preparation -- it'll be a piece of cake!
Still nervous? Fear not, fellow recruit-ees! I have the solutions to all of your woes. My tried and true interview tricks, which have been tested in approximately three interviews, are almost absolutely guaranteed to land you the job of your dreams.
Perhaps the most important part of any interview is the handshake. Nothing says "hire me, dammit!" like a nice, firm handshake. But in this age of efficiency, it's possible to pack so much more into a handshake. If you hold the handshake a little longer, and give an extra squeeze, you're saying: "I have friends who will hurt you if you don't hire me." If you pull your hand away right before your interviewer can shake it, you're sending a very clear message about where you stand on the all-important issue of practical jokes.
Of course, a good handshake will only get you so far. Sooner or later, you're going to have to answer some questions. This is the part of the interview responsible for the most amount of freaking out. But if you go into enough interviews, you'll realize that each question is just a very creative way of asking you the same thing over and over again: "Are you going to actually produce anything at the end of an eight hour day other than photocopies of your butt?" Because of this, most questions can be placed into one of two categories:
Just say "yes!": Will you work long hours? Are you motivated? Do you like filing? What about fetching me coffee? Would you go get me something to eat?
Just say "no!": Do you believe in weekends? Are you all that sensitive about being called the correct name? Do you sometimes drink because you've had a hard day? Does this suit make me look fat?
That handy chart will only work for certain kinds of questions. Every now and then, a crafty person will try to throw you off with a question that they have no business asking you. These questions aren't about how well you can work and some people get highly offended by them; ok, sure, that's one way to take it. Or you can just give it right back to them:
INTERVIEWER: Are you married?
YOU: Is this a proposal? Because my parents are going to want to meet you. And how do you feel about a prenup? I mean, we hardly know each other.
INTERVIEWER: Boxers or briefs?
YOU: Oh, shoot! I knew I forgot to put something on this morning!
Are you getting it yet? By now, I'm sure I've overwhelmed you. So, if on the big day, you get too nervous to remember any of this advice, remember only one thing: breathe. Trust me when I say that CPR doesn't go over well.
