The real mission: impossible was figuring out the plot of "Mission: Impossible," am I right? That was one confusing movie. That and "Stuart Saves His Family." Virtuoso Performance is not a description that Al Franken is unfamiliar with, but 'Stuart' is like a delicate rose, with each petal a different layer of Stuart's character, brought out with aplomb by the photography of George Herriman, creator of "Krazy Kat." I've seen this movie over 60 times, and each time it brings a tear to my eye, and the flight of a thousand birds to my heart.
My only problem with it is that I'm still unclear on the plot after all these years. It seems to involve Stuart (played by an ebullient Franken) going to great lengths in his character as a self-help guru to save his hard-luck family, who all have their own problems. And what problems they are! Hilarious problems!
This, to me, is an irritating trend in movies, even in ones I am so fond of. Why do we need to make movies so richly textured and complicated that the average American cannot decipher their twists and hilarious turns? "It's Pat," starring Julia Sweeney, also confused me. I mean, is she a man or a woman? What is that? It's just confusing.
In fact, I am constantly confused by the world around me. Caught staring at breasts, trees, children with unusual hair -- I am always one step behind. I don't know how to pronounce "yarmulke" or "butte." The world is moving too fast. Why can't I just listen to my Ramones records and eat my exotic foreign chocolate products?
The most disturbing example of all this, I feel, is "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire." Although I am personally excited by the prospect of a man from the 24th Century, Regis Philbin, leading so public a life in our own, backward times. Regis has a charming, simian countenance that is refreshing in these times of sadness. His voice, that of an angel, fills the room. My fear is that he is using witchcraft, or "technology" of some sort, to confuse and influence me.
As the camera opens on the mystic interior of his "time ship," with its futuristic stylings and high tech music, I feel my brain grow sticky and my throat grow hoarse. I cheer to hear him preach of a time without crime, without hatred, but his television show moves too fast for me. These contestants receive questions and volley back answers at lightning-fast pace, sometimes entering and leaving before I even notice. This is just too much!
I like to relax while watching television, but this show leaves me consistently out of breath. What happened to the good old days, when you could watch "Amen" while cooking a delicious dinner of mashed potatoes, string beans, carrots and tender sirloin steak, grilled to perfection, and not miss a beat?
When John Stamos takes over as the host of 'Millionaire' next month I, for one, will be relieved. As Regis Philbin enters his time-travel machine, forged of impenetrable alloys of which we have no knowledge, I will be there wishing him good luck in his fantastic, philanthropic journeys through time.
But I will also secretly wish him on his way, because Stamos's sleazy, down-home good looks have always made my weekday evenings, 5 p.m., that much sweeter.
