With the 2000 Olympics now underway in Sydney, and with every single American eagerly awaiting the most intense weeks of the presidential campaign, it seems appropriate to challenge both major presidential candidates Al Gore and George W. Bush to a presidential version of the Olympics. By testing the vice president and the governor of Texas with contests of skill, strength, and endurance, the American people will have several new criteria on which to base their selection for president. And since voters are especially ignorant about this year's election, such a contest would help both candidates send their respective messages and ideas to the fat and lazy Americans who sit in front of the TV and watch fit and active Americans as they strive for gold medals. Therefore, I propose introducing a few presidential events into this year's Games. Each event would, in theory, show the American people what each candidate is capable of accomplishing as campaigner and later as president.
The highlight of the presidential events would be the Handshaking Marathon. Thousands of voters, members of the press, and most important of all, representatives of special interest groups, would line up to shake each candidate's hand. The man who musters enough strength and stamina to outlast his rival is proclaimed the winner. Extra points go to the man who pretends to actually care about the person whose hand he is shaking. The favorite in this contest would be Bush, who, in addition to having the impressive stamina of a cheerleader, carries with him the mantle of compassionate conservatism, which never fails to dupe people into thinking he sympathizes with the plight of those less well off. Meanwhile, Al "Bored/Board" Gore would try to leech money off the hand shakers for his campaign and would later get disqualified from the contest for knowing Bill Clinton.
Following the completion of the Marathon, the candidates would display their creative skills of beauty and grace in the Chat and Smile With Old and/or Overweight TV Hosts Contest. A panel of judges would rate each candidate on his ability to tell the stupidest jokes, smile the phoniest smirks, and cross and uncross his legs several times during an interview with any TV personality. Gore, who has been taking lessons on how to be human, is certainly the favorite in this contest, as he has amazed millions of Oprah and Barbara Walters fans with his delightful candor and humor. However, George W. is not to be counted out of contention. He will easily pick up the bonus points awarded to the candidate who displays a cheery demeanor and childish smirk while talking about Cambodian children having their legs blown off by land mines.
In the next contest, the candidates compete to see who is the most spoiled and the most lazy. The Spoiled and Ungrateful Competition, as it is called, therefore requires incredible amounts of ineptness and inaction on the part of the candidate, as he must rely on others -- like his father -- to achieve anything. Excessive drinking, drug use, and poor effort and grades in school are pluses, because it shows that even with incredible amounts of help, the candidate still tries to mess things up. The favorite here is obviously George W., who swam in the wake of his accomplished father to get into schools, contributing nothing except for cheerleading and goofy faces. W's question to George Sr. was essentially, "Daddy, can I be president when I grow up?" That question was asked by W. a year or so ago.
In the final event, Al Gore and George W. would square off in the Lame Political Attack Contest. Hurling insults like, "My health plan is better than yours, at least for the people that are giving me lots of money," Gore would most likely try to portray Bush as an enemy of the people. W. would counter with the classic "I know you are but what am I," and would in turn brand Gore a liberal who wants to help the poor get health care. George, with his puerile weaknesses, would most likely be the loser and cry for his mommy.
In the end, both candidates would most likely completely humiliate each other and themselves, exposing all their many flaws and acts of stupidity, therefore making them both fit to be president. The series of contests would only clarify the horrible choice the American people have to make.
