I'd like to take this particular column as an opportunity to recognize an oft-overlooked segment of our society. In this day and age, acknowledgment of the diversity inherent in the American population is absolutely essential; and yet, most of the time, we fail to take into account these forgotten people. Yes, by now you've probably guessed it -- I'm talking about idiots.
Now, before you leap into any previously held notion of what an idiot is, let me clarify. An idiot can be of any intelligence, from your average Wal-Mart clerk to your average Ivy League student. Intelligence, in fact, has nothing to do with it. Some of the most prominent idiots have attended Harvard. An idiot is defined by his or her actions -- acts of idiocy, if you will.
You might ask for some examples of idiots, according to my most precise definition. For example, the numbnut who comes and tries to open the toilet stall door when you are in it is an idiot. His or her act of idiocy? Not looking to see if there are feet under the door. Most people know this courteous gesture, the under-door-look. Only an idiot wouldn't know it. My hall is full of idiots. There have been more occasions of rattling on the toilet stall door than there are males in my hall; consequently, at least one person has committed this idiotic act more than once. That leads me to my next point -- idiots don't learn from their mistakes.
Another example would be the drunken, beefy frat boy who hollers outside your window on your average Wednesday night. He is the portrait of an idiot, as Henry James would say. Listen to what he says, next time you hear him; chances are the exclamation will be something along the lines of "Oo-oooo!" or "Euh-ahhh-ah!", or even "Woo-ooo!" This is the language of an idiot. Mark it well. If you were able to follow the trail of this prized specimen, you might find him jumping from house to house, in search of the next keg to topple or inebriated, guard-lowered girl to force himself on. You may not believe it, but there are whole buildings full of this brand of idiot. It is one of the few instances, in my knowledge, of cohesive organizations made up entirely of idiots. The only other examples I could name would be the Republican party and the Dartmouth Review.
Now that you have a better idea of what a true idiot is, you are equipped to spot the idiots that make up a part of your personal daily life. Note the person riding a bicycle who cuts in front of you and then gets hit by a car. That person is an idiot. The idiot's getting hit by a car is an example of "idiotic justice." Note the person who prattles to you about his or her largely uninformed opinions. That person is an idiot, and the idiot's speech is known as "idiotic rhetoric." Note the person who puts off writing columns until the last minute. That person is me.
"Should I not give the idiots I spot some recognition, by a friendly wave or a 'Hey, idiot'?" you may be asking. The answer is "No." If you take into account the double negative, the answer is really yes, you should acknowledge the idiots around you. The next time someone makes a three-minute long, pointless comment in your English class, give him or her a friendly smile, as if to say, "It's okay to be an idiot." When you next hear someone listening to country music, say casually to him or her, "Hey, nice music, idiot." You'll be both paying a compliment to the idiot's listening tastes and recognizing that the person is an idiot without making a big show of it. The important thing to remember is tact, naturally.
A final note that I can make on the subject of idiots is that they like it when you strike them. This is why idiots repeat their idiotic behavior: they're asking to be hit. Please, friends. Hit an idiot. Can we not make an effort to please this neglected portion of America?
