There are facets of today's sporting world that just do not belong. For instance, the other day I saw a NASCAR commercial set to rap music. I may be way off here, but I don't think the makers of rap music had auto racing in mind as the sport to accompany their music. Can you see DMX rubbing paint with Darrell Waltrip? Neither can I.
But just the other day I was introduced to an integration of ideas that makes rap and NASCAR look like macaroni and cheese. Did you know there is now a Christian Wrestling Federation?
"We do all the kind of wrestling you see on TV, but leave out the parading women and all the negative stuff," said Rob Vaughn, CWF founder and participant known as "Jesus Freak." I'm gonna clue you in to a little something Rob -- why do you think people watch?
That's right, this group of about twelve wrestlers just put on a show in Mesquite, Texas at the Family Cathedral of Praise. It featured a "no holds barred" match between Vaughn and a wrestler named "Apocalypse." In it wrestlers struck each other with garbage cans, tables, even a baking pan. No offense to wrestling fans, but I think I've found something more warped than the charade masked by the moniker World Wrestling Federation.
If I were in the CWF, my character would be "The Bible Salesman." I'd dress in a suit with a nametag pinned to my left breast and I'd carry a box of Bibles to the ring. My angle would be to annoy the crowd by approaching them on my way to the ring and offering each one of them a Bible. I'd say, "Come. Read the story of our Lord." My finishing move would be called "The Sales Pitch" and would involve me flying off the top rope with a Bible in order to strike down my opponent. I can hear the announcers now:
"Uh-oh, here it comes. He's giving the signal for the Pitch!"
"If he hits this it will be lights out for Armageddon!" (That's the name of another wrestler.)
After I hit my patented move I would get up and yell at my opponent, "Feel the power of the Lord!"
Unfortunately, that is just a pipe dream for two reasons. First, I'm way too out of shape physically and spiritually. I used to go to church every week, but that was because my parents dragged me and I was in season for bible basketball. It is also a pipe dream because one would have to be smoking out of a crack pipe to actually pay to see this. But there are those that do.
"It'll get people to come to church more often," said Stephen Cade, 16. "It's fun to watch, and it's for Jesus Christ."
Somebody take this kid to a baseball game please.
In all honesty, I understand that the sport (read: hoax) of wrestling is very popular in this country (read again: if this column was printed south of the Mason-Dixon Line, I'd be hung from a yardarm). My only problem with this is the combination of two seemingly opposite things. I mean, doesn't the idea of wrestling violate many of the Ten Commandments? Things like, "thou shall not kill," "thou shall not lie" and most importantly, "thou shall not covet thy neighbor's Intercontinental Belt."
What worries me more is that upon visiting the Federation's website, www.christianwrestling.com, I saw that I was the 26,868th person to visit that site. I hope that none of the 26,867 people before me are my neighbors because these are the people that will tell you that the Hale-Bopp Comet will bring them to their maker. Let me tell you something, I ain't going with you.
Let me be serious for a second though; sports are not the place for religion. Just the past week Bob Costas was quoted as saying that praising God for athletic success trivializes one's faith believing that God would have a hand in the outcome of something as inconsequential as a game. I couldn't agree more. In fact, I have this crazy hypothesis that the talent and work ethic of the participants decide the outcome of a game. So thank God for talent, not for a win.
But back to the issue at hand, is this combining of interests going to be a growing trend in sports? Are we going to see a Jewish NBA or JNBA? If so I know for a fact that my friend Jake would be the first pick in the draft. To tell you the truth, I'm hoping to see a combination of sports leagues. Something like, you run the 100-meter dash, then you fish. Teams will be judged on speed and size of fish caught, two related things, right?
So count me out for tickets to the CWF's next show at the Pineywoods Baptist Encampment (Encampment? If you go there, will you be allowed to leave?). But maybe, just maybe some of those 26,000+ fans are on the Dartmouth Programming Board so we can schedule Jesus Freak and his friends in the CWF here at Leede Arena.
