I broke my arm late last week but I vowed to make every attempt not to let it ruin my Tubestock weekend. Consequently, this column -- typed entirely with my right hand and at a snail's pace -- comes at the end of a long, alcohol-drenched, Codeine-induced weekend stupor. And as such, I'm not even going to attempt to come up with a single, unifying theme to write about. While I could simply reprise my standard "Save the Greeks" theme, I think I've pulled that trick one too many times, Dear Readers, and we're all bored of it. Instead, what follows will probably amount to little more than a forgettable, meandering rant. So forgive me. It's no "Kubla Khan," but in my defense, I'm no Coleridge, Tylenol-3 isn't quite opium, and Dartmouth sure as hell ain't no Xanadu.
With that in mind and without further ado, here are the Top Five Things That Piss Me Off About Dartmouth:
-
The D-plan: Yeah, I know New Hampshire is beautiful in the summer and everything, but every time someone from back home asks me what I'm doing this summer, I feel like I have to explain the whole D-plan to them just so they don't think I'm taking courses during the summer merely because I screwed up during the "regular" school year. But I'm real insecure, so maybe that's just me.
-
Dartmouth girls: Not all of them, mind you. There are certainly exceptions to this rule but they seem to be getting harder to find. Or maybe I'm looking in the wrong places.
-
Classes: Just think how much more fun this summer would be if we didn't have to worry about school. I'm not talking about a complete reversion to the timeless, carefree summers of our youth; idle evenings spent catching fireflies in glass jars, days spent lounging on the beach, watermelon-seed spitting contests and whatnot. That just wouldn't be practical. And don't get me wrong, I'm not at all anti-education. In fact, I'm learning a great deal of fascinating stuff. But how much fun can a game of wiffleball be if, lurking in the back of your mind, is the fact that you have a ten-page paper on the Saussurian linguistic model and its relevance in the works of John Millington Synge due in twenty minutes?
-
The Greek System: I know, I know. For over a year now I've pretty much recycled the same column about how much I love the Greek system and how it plays such a positive role in the Dartmouth community. But let's get serious here. If the Trustees say it's antiquated, then it must be; they would know better than anyone else. And if anyone is qualified to lead Dartmouth's social life into the 21st century, it's a bunch of rich old white people who probably spend their evenings drinking wine coolers and playing cribbage.
And the number one thing that pisses me off the most about Dartmouth right now:
- Campers: The lacrosse kids don't really bother me, but those academic campers sort of frighten me. Seriously, who willingly chooses to spend their summer buried in the musty stacks of Baker? Humans weren't meant to spend such beautiful days sumberged in a sea of texts, Post-Its, and highlighter ink. At least not until final exams anyway.
