Once upon a time, in a collegial kingdom far removed from our space and epoch, there lived a young vassal named Jeff, who wrote columns for the local newspaper. (He had to write them on parchment with a quill, of course.) One day his editor, the Good Queen Op-Ed, said to him, "Prithee, Jeff, wilt thou write on th'eminent subject of Green Key?"
Being the good columnist he was, Jeff agreed immediately and wholeheartedly. However, upon sitting down to accomplish the task, he was stuck. "What is this strange Green Key?" he thought. "Where is it, what's it about?" He decided to investigate; taking his columnist's sword with him (standard issue, of course), he ventured into the forest to seek out the wise Fairy Godmother Professor, rumored to be the most knowledgeable individual in the land.
Unfortunately, the Fairy Godmother Professor turned out to be a professor of French, and when Jeff asked her of the meaning of Green Key, she responded so rapidly en franais that he had no clue what she was saying. (Jeff was a poor study in French.) Thus he set back through the forest, dejected, battling human-devouring mutant term papers along the way. A few of the papers engaged him in such long and tedious battle that it was not until five a.m. that he arrived, exhausted, at his kingdom and flopped upon his bed in Wheeler Palace, twin to Richardson, Castle on the Hill.
That night he dreamt of many bizarre and wonderful things. Among them was a hooded, monk-like figure who beckoned to him. "Come, my boy. I am of the Order of the Green Key seek out our relic." When dream-Jeff asked in earnest, "How will I find it?" the monk merely replied, "Go where the clock chimes annoying, inappropriate songs." Then he vanished, and Jeff woke with a start. He puzzled out his dream: "Annoying songs inappropriate songs why, that must be Baker Tower!" He looked out his window at the lofty stone spire in the distance that was Baker Tower. Founded many years ago by bread-makers as a monument to butchers and candlestick-makers, it presented a formidable challenge to anyone who wished to enter. For if anyone were to hear its terrible songs within a mile radius from it, that unfortunate person would instantly be driven mad. Jeff had heard the legend of the knight Wright, whose sanity was shattered by a horribly malformed version of "You Are My Sunshine."
He thus set out, with his faithful dog Imack, to make the perilous journey to Baker Tower. Along the way, his path was fraught with many dangers, including the foul fiends of Procrastination, Sloth, and I'll-Just-Check-Blitz-for-a-Minute, all of whom he fought off with his wicked blade, nicknamed Paper Slayer for its previous exploits in the forest. Finally, he arrived at the base of Baker Tower.
Immediately, the bells began tolling with unassailable deadliness the theme from "Jeopardy!". However, Jeff had come prepared: he had stuffed his ears with pillow down, and the evil, irritating chimes could not penetrate to his brain. Unfortunately, Jeff had forgotten to bring pillow down for Imack's ears, too. Upon hearing the bells, the dog said, "Sorry, a system error of type 8 has occurred," and froze in place. No amount of kicking and blows from Jeff could free Imack from its stasis, so he had to leave it there.
He ascended the tower, which was crammed with old, dusty books and at least one skeleton. As he approached the top floor by climbing a ladder, he became aware of a green light streaming from above him. Jeff finally reached the top to behold a wondrous sight: a gigantic, floating green key, emitting shafts of holy green light. It spoke to him: "Jeff, I am the Green Key."
"O sacred and mysterious Green Key, tell me why there is a weekend celebrating you!" said Jeff reverently.
"The answer is simple, my dear boy," said the green key, its light intensifying. "None. No reason."
"But -- but why have the weekend?" Jeff asked, bewildered.
"No one in this land needs a very good excuse to engage in a debauched, chaotic weekend of revelry," the key said. "Go -- party. Drink heady substances. Embark on amorous adventures." The light began to cloud Jeff's vision.
He had one last question: "What door do you unlock, Green Key?"
"The Gold Coast you can never get in that place without me " and the voice faded away into nothingness. Jeff found himself back in his kingdom, but with a newly found sense of peace. The meaning of Green Key was in the festivity itself -- who would have thought?
As for our hero, the vassal Jeff found a very nice and beautiful princess, and things would have worked out if their D-Plans had not been so different, but that's a story for another day.
