Having been stuck in the confines of rural New England for the majority of my twenty-one years, and being even more strictly bound within the Upper Valley's limits for nearly the past four years, I have come to three conclusions:
1) People need to have more sex;
2) People need to have more sex in public spaces; and
3) Some places on this campus are better than others for dropping the proverbial kids off at the proverbial pool.
Increased sex on this campus would ameliorate gender relations at least a hundredfold. If everyone were more vagina and penis friendly, there would be no need for inner monologues with our respective genitalia. Part of the problem with Dartmouth's social scene is that we are always conversing with our own genitalia, which leaves little time for socializing with all the other people who are equally self-absorbed. I think fraternities and sororities are some of the few places on this campus people cease talking to their own genitalia and reach outward for other social contact, often directly addressing others' genitalia, among other things.
As far as the price of sex goes, I don't think it could be much more conducive to having lots of sex. Condoms for safe sex may be purchased at Topside on every student's DBA, reinforcing the notion that sex is as necessary to a human's well being as food. Actual sex must be charged to the Discretionary account, which is cool, but means a student must budget his or her Hop event attendance per term. Luckily for us, Coca- Cola now sponsors all sporting events so these purchases need not be included in a student's financial planning. I've heard the going rate for freshman is 25 dollars. Seniors are more expensive, but their experience makes them well worth the extra few bucks. Some students need financial assistance to help maintain gender relations and quenched sexual appetites. A small reallocation of aid resources may need to occur, but come on, books or sex. Sex or books? I can't think of a single student who would rather have a Govy 53 reader than have lots of sex. To hell with paying royalties. Of course, having a boyfriend, girlfriend, pet, or an FTF (Friends That ...) can significantly reduce a student's spending and Discretionary needs.
So with all this sex going on, where should we be having sex? Considering that dorm rooms are small and roommates plentiful, getting out of Topliff or South Mass is absolutely essential. And then there is the voyeuristic aspect of things, which only enhances sex (and gender relations), spectacle, and eventually (if you don't get caught first) orgasm. But where, oh where, to have it? Obvious favorites are the Baker Stacks, the BEMA and the Green. I've always thought Food Court would make for an arousing situation, and who can argue with the Topside bathroom as prime sexual real-estate. Anytime you can purchase condoms and use them in the same breath is a good time. Then we must consider the perennial sports fan favorites: the fifty yard line, the pitcher's mound, the stadium and Leverone. Better to get them done during the big game, when adrenaline is high, but it's often hard to persuade a ref to hold the action while sowing some wild oats. Some may find Eleazar Wheelock's tomb a bit grim, but I assure you our college's founder wouldn't mind a little bumping and grinding to warm his eternal resting place. The Sudikoff computer labs are favorites among plagiarists, who should learn that cheating on a test is one thing, but lying about orgasm is a blatant violation of the honor code. I personally find the defilement, no, beautification of the President's lawn and the graduation stage necessary duties of a Dartmouth student, according to our Matriculation papers, Psychology 1, the Student Life Initiative and the Trustees. Berry Library must be added to our growing list. Construction means danger and danger means great sex. Throw all those loose pipes, uncovered electrical outlets, and powertools into the milieu and you might have yourself a hardcore, Peter North meets Debbie doing Dallas experience.
Shifting subjects for the moment, this article also means to examine the Great Restrooms of our glorious campus. The third floor bathroom of the Bartlett Language Lab takes the cake as the most serene and invigorating of toilets. Complete with skylight and gleaming white walls and floors, this is truly a magnificent water closet. Thayer and Collis maintain some of the cleanest and best smelling spots, demonstrating the rate at which DDS flows through our systems. Dartmouth Hall, Reed, Thornton and Wilder contain some of the older restrooms on campus, but old here connotes character and tradition, and who doesn't think about tradition while seated high upon a ceramic throne. Moore and the Engineering School house beautiful and well lit establishments, while Baker Library bathrooms are enough to scare anyone back homebase for a ten minute study break.
Bowel movements -- essential no matter where you are. Improved gender relations -- essential for the humans having the relations. Sex -- quintessentially human, but not all that Dartmouth. As Bob Marley once said while pondering a giant spliff, "Let's get together and feel all right." OK, so where's the confusion?
