One of the frequent observations about Dartmouth is its total lack of a dating culture. More often than not this observation is couched in the form of a complaint by both male and female students. Heck, from my own experience -- which has been mainly one long dry spell -- I've observed that dating is simply not something that occurs with frequency on this campus. In this column I will investigate several reasons why I think this is so, give several reasons why a dating culture would be a good thing to foster, and finally offer some practical solutions to my fellow men that might help bring it about.
The first and probably most obvious reason that dating is non-existent on Dartmouth's campus is the great fear of rejection on the part of men (they usually do the asking). To try is to risk failure. To ask on a date is to risk getting turned down. The paralysis this causes in the male is almost insurmountable. Even when told that this fear is irrational, we young men still have much trouble acting. It is as if everything rides on this one question and if the answer should be no our lives will be unbearable because of the embarrassment. Sure it makes no sense but it is part of the inertia we are working against. This paralysis is strengthened by the fact that hardly anyone else is asking anyone out.
The next reason for the lack of dating is the fear of commitment. A first date necessarily envisions a second and a third and so on and so forth. That first date might develop into a relationship with all its requisite meanings. Unlimited 'liberty' is trumpeted as one of the greatest values around. A dating relationship is antithetical to such an understanding for it necessitates exclusivity, comprise, and effort on part of both parties. The simple fact is that commitment takes work and in terms of the world is seen as limiting.
Connected to this fear of commitment is the fear of intimacy. Here I hardly mean sexual intimacy. Rather I have in mind that interpersonal communication and sharing that occurs in any genuine friendship or relationship. Dating, as a professor of mine has remarked, raises the possibility that two minds might come together and connect during an evening. But this sort of connection not only requires effort to achieve and sustain but also an openness and certain vulnerability to the other person.
With all the complaints about the lack of dating thrown around, the question of whether dating is actually a good thing seems to be avoided. Perhaps the Dartmouth at which students have sex before they hold hands, as one alumnus has observed, is more desirable than one with a vibrant dating culture. I think there are several reasons however that a strong dating culture is to be desired.
The first is the natural social benefits of dating. Dating calms the relations between the sexes. Especially in the case of men it can help to inculcate the virtue of chastity and lead to self-possession. Virtually any male student on this campus can attest to his treating female students as objects either in mind or in actual action. Dating can help in some manner to pull the sexes away from this sort of objectification. The date, criticisms to the contrary, puts man and woman on an equal plane where both can share as subjects rather than being used as objects. In doing this, dating also channels sexual energy and passion helping women and especially men to possess themselves more fully. Gratification is delayed and made relative.
The second reason that dating should be fostered is that it simply is more rewarding and enriching than the alternative. This is not something we need to do an empirical study to prove but rather something to which experience attests. There is something immensely more gratifying in a long conversation over coffee concerning politics, social justice, and baseball than there is in a muffled and inaudible, "What's up," over the strains of "Getting Jiggy with It" or "Mambo #5." If I have to prove this one, I can see the cause is already lost. Of course dating is not only more enriching it is also just plain fun. Dating provides opportunities to be silly and wacky on a regular basis. At its best dating combines those moments of fun with great moments of seriousness and sharing.
Now let's consider a few practical solutions to affect a change in the current situation. First, let's all gain some intestinal fortitude. I say this to myself as well. Write the blitz to the girl you've been hemming and hawing about since the fall term. Or better yet, ask her in person. Chances are she'll say yes and be flattered. That will partially be because with the dearth of dating your action will seem singularly bold.
Speaking of blitz let's stop using it so much to communicate. Blitz can be both painfully and dangerously ambiguous. Pick up the phone and call. You'll get your message across without ambiguity and the surprise of using the phone will work to your benefit.
Be a hopeless romantic. Buy a rose, a gardenia, or some other flower and give it to that someone special. Sure most people will think you are nuts but craziness is called for in this situation. Write a little love sonnet. Whatever it is do something. And do it soon. Let's put all these complaints about the lack of a dating culture to rest by actually dating.
