Let me introduce myself. Brett Quimby's the name, SA President's my game. I've been here at dear old Dartmouth for two glorious years, and I have always wanted to give something back to the college that I love so much. I want to give back to James Wright. I want to give back to Mitsie at Food Court. I want to give back to whoever puked on the green a couple of nights ago. And what better way to give back than by becoming SA President.
All right Dartmouth -- it's time to listen up. Our wonderful college has been slipping as of late. Not being in the top 10 of the best colleges in the country, the whole "Greek problem" and slower lines at Food Court. We need to change people. We need change like nobody's business. And Jacob Osterhout and I are the perfect people to make some changes around here.
The first change I would make as SA president would be to change my official title to "Mayor." Then Jacob and I want to make some changes about the SA itself. Again, let's look at the facts about the SA, or really the one important fact -- although they've been doing good things, there is something missing. We need some connection with the eternal. We need the SA to be a theocracy. People have tended toward this in the past few years, but we will complete the transformation: Jacob and I will be rule with god on our side. The SA Mayor and VP will be divine rulers.
"So what else are you going to do?" you ask. Well then -- one thing I pledge to do is that there shall be no more chafing blitzes or flyers from the SA telling you, the people, what the SA has done. We are not going to tell you about the shuttle we will make that runs between the Hop and Mass Row.
Our main mission, though, is to alleviate the strife and bitterness that defines our campus right now. Every day that I eat at Food Court, I fear for my life. Riots may break out at any time. And just yesterday, I saw what clearly looked like a brown bottle in the "Clear Glass only" recycling spot. What does that say about our college? What does that say about us? Answer me that people.
So what shall we do? Jacob and I, after many days of soul-searching, watching a lot of Sportscenter and World's Strongest Man competition, and pouring through history books, found what we were looking for. Here's a little history quiz -- when were things peaceful on campus? When were there no SLI's? When did we all just get along? The answer -- when Dartmouth was a single sex college.
Look at the facts here -- when Dartmouth was single-sex, were people worried about "substantially co-ed living spaces?" No. Were people arguing about initiatives and the Greek system? No. And most importantly -- who's made a good movie about Dartmouth since it went co-ed? No one! Where are the Animal Houses of today? Not here, that's for sure.
So now you see, oh beloved campus, how much we need salvation. How much we need change. How much we need Dartmouth to become an all-female college. That's right -- all female. If Dartmouth were all-male in this society, think of the consequences -- way too much testosterone flying around, classes about "chicks n' stuff," and a campus-wide call to expand Westside to inhabit all of Thayer. These are the things that Dartmouth does not need. We need all-females. But tastefully done. That's important " to be tasteful.
To be tasteful, this college needs a person, or two perhaps, to oversee the transition period between now and the future of Dartmouth Women's College. Jacob Osterhout, and I, Brett Quimby, are the perfect people to oversee these changes. Our credentials are perfect: we go to Dartmouth, and we know a few girls. Therefore, we will take the burden upon our broad shoulders and will select the incoming classes of Dartmouth women. That is the sacrifice that we are willing to make.
As you all know, the Trustee's report came out on Wednesday. I would like to briefly address the issues brought up with these decisions. The main thing that I would like to point out to you, my people, is the most important point -- the one that affects all of us. The college wants to add residences for 110 grad students. What the hell is that? I say we take back our college. United we stand against the perils of injustice. Fight with us, Dartmouth.
So when you think about the future, think one thing -- Brett Quimby for President and Jacob Osterhout for Vice President. And you will all be happy.
