Returning home in a loaded car for what would probably be the last three-week Christmas vacation of my life, I couldn't help but reflect on my experiences here at Dartmouth and wonder if I would have done anything differently, given what I know now. I suppose this is a common act of nostalgia for seniors at any university, but it is, nevertheless, a personal and sometimes painful moment of self-examination. After a few minutes of this sappy nostalgia, however, I thankfully decided to direct my mind elsewhere and began a one-sided conversation with my dog, who proved surprisingly receptive as we settled down for the long drive back to Virginia.
At home, I was quickly overwhelmed by a busy holiday social calendar, my baby brother's gloriously detailed discussions of Redskins football, and a local phenomena that the local paper dubbed "Hokie Fever." For those of you not familiar with college football, the Hokie is a quasi-fictional bird that serves as Virginia Tech's mascot. Tech's #2 ranking in the college football polls had assured them a shot at the national title against the Seminoles of FSU, and the state of Virginia, even those loyal to UVA, anxiously awaited the championship game on January 4.
Unfortunately, I soon found this state of affairs very unnerving, for it only exacerbated the annual ribbing I always receive from my old high school friends about Dartmouth's athletic program. You see, most of my friends attend large state schools like Texas, Virginia, and Virginia Tech, where football coaches often earn salaries that far exceed the college president's, and where football games are the primary source of school pride, socialization, and ranking (forget US News). So as not to offend every athlete who reads this column, I'll refrain from recounting the jokes I endure during college bowl season, but suffice to say, I'm usually a lone voice crying out in a wilderness of state-school goons.
It was about this time that I began to consider the possibilities for a new millennium of Dartmouth football. After all, in the old days we used to be quite a powerhouse. Of course, that was before WWII, when most people didn't even attend college, and when most minorities were still noticeably absent from sporting contests. But hey, if we did it once, we can do it again. We'll just need a few things, and with all this talk about "tens of millions of dollars" floating around to improve social life, I thought the Trustees could use a list of necessaries to get us back to where we belong -- on top!
First, if we're going to build a national championship team, we've got to get serious about a mascot. The "Big Green" is a big suck. We might take a tip from the people at Virginia Tech, who remedied their nagging mascot difficulties by making up a fictional bird that has now captured the hearts of Virginia. By contrast, can you imagine anyone catching "Green Fever?"
Second, we need to start treating our football players like the professional athletes they are at every other school. These guys need tutors to attend classes for them, personalized snowmobiles for easier class-to-class transportation, FSU-sponsored shop-lifting classes to complement their wardrobes, and firmly established booster clubs to bribe Dean Furstenberg when admissions "difficulties" arise. Entourages, groupies, and media consultants are optional, but strongly encouraged.
Finally, we need a high-profile coach who's more famous than our president. This is absolutely necessary if we are to achieve greatness, as demonstrated by any number of national universities. Everyone knows Joe Paterno coaches Penn State, but does anyone know the president? Of course not; he doesn't exist. I say it's time Dartmouth reached deep into that endowment and gave Bobby Bowden or Lou Holtz that offer they've been waiting for.
I suppose it speaks well of my Dartmouth experience that the only true regret I feel after four years focuses on the absence of booster clubs and reputable mascots. But such longings aren't quite as silly as they might sound. Big football and big bowl games bring people together in a way that only sport (or a popular war) can, and provide a healthy and tangible object of school pride. We could use it here.
In the meantime, I guess I'll start concentrating on the more modest goal of getting our men's basketball team into the tournament who's psyched for the Final Four?
