I must say I liked summer term a lot more for the first couple days. It was so nice and quiet here, and there was no one in Food Court ever. Then the campers arrived.
I mean, I have no problem per se with all the different camps going on around here this summer: tennis, debate, foreign language, Junior High School Boys Masturbation Training Seminar, et cetera. I approve of the College trying to make a quick buck on the side. I hear the Dartmouth College Organic Farm has quite a hash crop hidden in the middle of the corn, and if the extra money flowing into the ORL coffers helps downgrade the severity of the term dorm rent from Highway Rape/Murder to just Highway Robbery, that's cool.
However, the college's primary mission in fully utilizing its dorm space during the summers should be to avoid annoying me, and so far the college has not been very successful. To wit, someone led the little campers to assume, quite incorrectly, that they are students and have rights and stuff like that.
One right they do not have is to clog up Food Court. I refuse to wait in any kind of line at Food Court, which means that I usually go to eat at weird times during normal terms, especially fall. Fall is particularly bad, to the point where I have to begin penalizing Food Court for slow service. This I do by getting a whole lot of salad and ice cream and then eating it in line. I mean, if they really want most of the money for the weighed items, they can move my ass through line faster.
This summer, though, Food Court was going to be great, or so I thought. There was no one there those first couple days, and the sandwich line was even short enough that I got a sandwich for like the first time ever. Then after that first weekend all the campers arrived and everything slowed right back down to normal.
So let's be very clear about this, little campers: there are many other sources of food besides Food Court. For example, you can dig up roots from some of the many trees available around campus. Also, my house has this little dog that no one really likes and I think we'd all be cool with it if you wanted him for a cookout.
Please don't get the impression that I don't want you camp guys to have a good summer. For example, I am sure you have pretty good dorm arrangements. It could certainly be worse: you could be stuck in my old dorm, Hitchcock. Hitchcock is a nice dorm, but our janitor, Gerry, made us scrub floors and toilets for her all day long! Well, not really, but I bet she would have if she'd thought of it.
This summer Gerry is hosting Rassias adult language program participants. Maybe if her guests are from Western Europe there won't be such an issue with shower usage. Gerry's major gripe all last year centered around this guy on our floor who apparently passed most of the day in the shower. "I have to clean that bathroom before I can go home. If he doesn't get out of there soon I'm gonna dump the Clorox right in there with him and start scrubbing!"
So at least you're avoiding that. Also, since y'all are too young to sneak into any frat parties and blend inconspicuously into the crowd, you avoid all the major hassles that go along with that, like finding the right shoes for the dress or getting your toga pinned together properly.
See? Uncle Rob is indeed concerned that you all have a good time while you are here in Hanover for the summer. He'd just like you to do so somewhere that does not cramp his impatient style. The house dog is psyched for that barbecue if you want to come pick him up!
