I've been wanting to write this editorial for a long time -- but I've been putting it off.
So you are a bright college student. Admittedly, you are not, say, "diligent," or, say, "efficient." You are downright lazy. That is what comes with the territory of being an 18-22 year old human.
Yet many nights you find yourself asking, "How is it 1:14 a.m. already?" and you still have much to do, like a Psych chapter reading, some Faulkner, an essay, maybe even frames for your Animation class, and you think, "God, how can I go on?" and he says, "Get your ass in gear, Hypothetical Person" and you think, "OK, Lord" and he doesn't reply with an "OK" because you have to get going, have to get reading, have to get writing, have to get drawing, have to DO something for Pete's sake instead of just sitting there, talking on IM, checking blitz, writing blitz, reading blitz, talking on IM about blitz, blitzing about IM, and time is ticking by, physically, you can feel the seconds rattling your brain like a Psychology professor with a surgical glove, but all you can do is procrastinate, procrastinate, procrastinate ...
Not that you can be blamed for it. Indeed, it may be something genetic, an affliction running in your family. You might realize that way back in the family tree, Great-Great-Great-Granddaddy Deck got his head blown off in the Civil War because he procrastinated about reloading his shotgun. Or perhaps even further back, Grog Deck, a caveman, procrastinated about discovering fire, and some Neanderthal schmuck beat him to it and took all the credit.
Sometimes, you know you are using procrastination as a form of denial. You say, "No, I'm not working on this assignment. Therefore, it does not exist." Which makes about as much sense as when Dscartes said "I think, therefore you are stupid." Or, when Daniel Webster said, "It is a small college, sirs, but there are those who love it and its pond-sized puddles."
Let's say that the powers of procrastination finally wear off the night before the paper is due/exam is taking place/reading is being discussed. This is not a problem -- you're not worrying at all. You figure, "Happens to everyone. One night is plenty of time to do what I need to do." So you write a glorious masterpiece, say, like:
"That Faulkner Guy -- by Bob Jones, English 5, February 7th. That Faulkner guy is a trip, you know? With those big sentences and all. Oh yeah, the story's about the Old South. And the New South too. The End." Or you devote one night of studying for an exam; then you come in, look at a question like "The founder of modern psychology is A. Freud, B. Skinner, C. Bandura, D. Mickey Mouse" where the professor throws in an answer like D just to be cutesy, except this time you actually choose "Mickey Mouse." You think, "Well, this is one of those trick questions he warned us about."
You may not even be lucky enough to churn out a paper in one night. Typical example: you're sitting in front of your computer, it's 2:37 a.m., and you are staring at the screen, where the word "The," your effort at beginning the paper, is hanging there by itself, as if it holds all of the meaning in the universe, as if it is something mystics might mutter to themselves while meditating -- "the, the, the" -- and you are waiting for the rest of your opening sentence to present itself, by magic, apparently. You crack open a can of Surge and wait for the nutrients to flow. Sure enough, "The" becomes "The novel." Aha, very good progress ... you already sound intellectual. It's 2:44. You open another Surge. And so on. By mid-morning, you may be up to "The novel is a condemnation of society because." "Because" of exactly what, you still have no idea.
There is only one solution for avoiding procrastination -- dedication, and hard work at a sensible pace. Ha ha, who is this joker? Sorry, someone else took over the keyboard for a moment. Just use procrastination with a bit of caution, like using narcotics. Remember -- if you're not careful, you can get your head blown off. Just ask Great-Great-Great-Granddaddy Deck.
